When I first began writing about the emotional brain for my book, Why Good Sex Matters, I approached it through the lens of sexuality because sex, desire, and pleasure are vivid reflections of our inner emotional life. Over time, I’ve come to see that how we experience pleasure, handle stress, and connect to others all arise from the same emotional architecture. Our struggles with joy, motivation, or intimacy are the canary in the coal mine—our brain’s way of signaling imbalance.

Today, that imbalance has become almost universal. We are living through what I’ve come to call the Traumademic—a convergence of chronic societal distress and the personal wounds, losses, and fears that this prolonged crisis has only made worse. Many people speak of feeling “revved up” yet emotionally numb, pulled between anger, anxiety, despair, and exhaustion. To understand why, we need to look beneath the surface of the brain/mind’s newer evolutionary operating systems—the top brain/mind (Neocortex), responsible for our executive systems, and the mid-level brain/mind, our learning and habit-making equipment, to the ancient emotional “basement” level of the mind/brain.

The Traumademic: When Collective Crisis Collides and Inflames Personal Pain

The last few years have brought a constant undercurrent of uncertainty—pandemics, social fractures, and economic worry. The Traumademic represents the merging of social upheaval with our private stress and trauma histories. Our FEAR circuits stay activated, our RAGE defenses flare, and our PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS system—wired to preserve connection—keeps sounding alarms as we feel more isolated than ever.

None of this means we’re broken. These are ancient survival systems doing exactly what they were designed to do: protect us. The problem lies in their chronic activation. Emotional regulation begins not with judgment but with awareness of what is out of whack, so we can take steps to rebalance the core emotions.

The Brain’s Basement: The Seven Core Emotional Systems

The late neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp mapped seven core emotional systems in the deep subcortical brain: SEEKING, FEAR, RAGE, PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS, LUST, CARE, and PLAY. These are not metaphors—they are hard‑wired neural circuits found across mammals. They produce the primal feelings that shape every choice, relationship, and behavior, forming the emotional “operating system” for human life. Imbalances of the core emotions can hijack the brain/mind and result in

You can think of these as the primary colors of emotion—basic patterns of energy and motivation that combine to create the full spectrum of human feeling. When in healthy balance, they help us navigate the world, connect with others, and pursue what we need for survival and meaning. When they fall out of balance—through trauma, chronic stress, or emotional neglect—we lose access to vitality, pleasure, and a sense of safety.

SEEKING: Restoring the Drive to Engage

The SEEKING system, fueled by dopamine (and too often hijacked by how we use our devices), motivates exploration and purpose—it’s the brain’s engine for curiosity, learning, and progress. When life feels unpredictable or overwhelming, dopamine production drops, and we lose energy, focus, and enthusiasm. Others swing the opposite way, staying endlessly busy, chasing distraction after distraction, but never satisfied.

Both extremes signal dysregulation. True SEEKING feels like guided curiosity, not hypervigilance. Rebuilding it starts small: setting meaningful goals, pursuing novelty with purpose, or reconnecting to creative practice. Each moment of healthy engagement tells the brain, “You’re safe to move forward.”

Defensive Systems on Overload: FEAR, RAGE, and PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS

The defensive circuits evolved to save our lives. FEAR prepares the body to flee danger. RAGE defends boundaries. PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS is wired to connect us to others to avoid the pain of separation. It signals the need for comfort and bonding. Yet in an era of isolation and loss, this system can dominate, pulling many into cycles of loneliness and despair.

 But in the Traumademic, these circuits rarely shut off. Continuous alarm signals flood the nervous system, keeping cortisol high and pleasure low.

Chronic FEAR erodes sleep and concentration. Overactive RAGE appears as road rage, online outrage, or rigid self‑criticism. Prolonged PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS can slide into despair or clinical depression. The way back isn’t suppression but recalibration—slowing breath, noticing physical tension, reconnecting with the present. Even short moments of grounded awareness interrupt the brain’s defensive cascade.

The Healing Triad: CARE, PLAY, and Connection

If the defensive emotions keep us alive, the social emotions help us live well. The CARE system—powered by oxytocin and endogenous opioids—creates feelings of warmth, empathy, and belonging. It’s what allows both nurturance of others and self‑soothing. When we lose access to self-CARE, we often become overly attuned to others’ needs but unable to comfort ourselves.

PLAY, meanwhile, revitalizes the nervous system. Its laughter, movement, and spontaneity counteract the contraction of fear. Play teaches flexibility and trust. Yet adults frequently suppress it, believing it to be frivolous or unproductive. The safety required for PLAY to emerge signals deep regulation. Moments of humor or shared joy rewire the stress response more effectively than constant vigilance ever could.

Connection, through CARE and PLAY, restores psychological safety—reminding the brain that it no longer needs to defend itself at every turn.

LUST Reimagined: The Energy of Aliveness

LUST, too often reduced to sexuality, is at its core a drive for vitality and connection—the urge to merge with life itself. Balanced LUST energy fuels creativity, intimacy, and a sense of embodied presence. When it’s suppressed through fear, shame, or exhaustion, our world feels colorless; when it dominates, it becomes compulsive.

Reawakening LUST is less about eroticism and more about embodiment: movement, affection, music, art. Reconnecting with the body communicates to the emotional brain that pleasure and safety can coexist. It reignites the will to live fully rather than merely cope.

Emotional Regulation as Dynamic Balance

Emotional regulation begins with awareness. When these core emotional systems are out of whack, they can hijack our cognitive processes and decision-making in ways that can lead to substance abuse, psychological disorders, relationship disasters, self-sabotage, and even result in one of the most dangerous addictions of all–revenge addiction, as recently documented.

Regulation is not emotional control—it’s fluidity. The goal is to let all the core systems work together instead of allowing one to dominate. When SEEKING, CARE, and PLAY are active, they naturally calm FEAR, RAGE, and PANIC/GRIEF/SADNESS. Practices like rhythmic breathing, soothing touch, mindful movement, and supportive relationships act as tuning forks for the nervous system, shifting us from a state of defense to one of balance.

In a state of balance, we can feel fear without panic, anger without destruction, grieve without collapse. The emotional brain reclaims its natural rhythm—protection and connection working hand in hand.

From Survival to Thrival

The capacity for pleasure, curiosity, and joy is the hallmark of a balanced emotional brain. When our core systems regain harmony, SEEKING restores motivation, CARE deepens empathy, PLAY invites creativity, and even the defensive emotions operate in proportion. We stop living on high alert and start living with purpose.

The Traumademic has revealed how deeply interconnected we are—biologically and socially. Emotional regulation is not a solo project; we regulate best in connection. Shared laughter, compassion, and even quiet presence with another nervous system help reset our own.

Pleasure and play are not distractions from crisis; they’re signs of recovery. They tell us the canary is singing again, and the emotional brain has found its way home.

The post The Emotional Brain in the Time of Collective Crisis: Rebalancing core emotions to relieve stress and heal collective trauma appeared first on Nan Wise.

As the new year unfolds, I—along with many others—continue to struggle with painful levels of stress and anxiety. Beyond the evidence that political polarization is taking a toll on our collective mental health, waking up each day to alarming news only adds fuel to the fire. As Bob Dylan famously sang, “You don’t need to be a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

When stress and anxiety reach these levels, our nervous systems are warning us loudly. Bottom line: chronic stress creates systemic dysregulation that slowly wears us down.

What Is Stress—and Why Does It Matter?

The pioneering stress researcher Hans Selye defined stress as the body’s response to a demand placed upon it. Stress is not the event itself, but our physiological and emotional response to it—an adaptive survival mechanism wired into us.

Selye described three stages of stress, known as the general adaptation syndrome: alarm, adaptation, and exhaustion. While we cannot always eliminate stressors, research shows that it is not stress itself that harms us—it is the inability to shut off the stress response. Chronic activation erodes mood, cognition, immunity, and our capacity for pleasure and connection.

Bottom line: we need tools to turn down the temperature of our stress responses.

When Personal Pain Meets Collective Distress

Recently, I’ve been caring for our Chihuahua, Jilly, who has advanced heart disease. We are adjusting medications, monitoring her breathing, and watching for signs of decline. Anyone who has loved a pet through illness knows this ache—the anticipatory grief, helplessness, and fierce desire to protect them. The loss of a beloved animal can be profoundly heartbreaking.

Layer personal pain like this onto collective distress, and it’s no wonder so many people feel anxious, dysregulated, or numb.

I call this convergence the Traumademic—the collision of personal challenges and trauma with ongoing societal stress. It reactivates old wounds, intensifies fear learning, and makes it harder to access joy or pleasure, particularly for those prone to anxiety or anhedonia.

I am struggling, myself, to accept what is so.

Why Acceptance Matters to the Brain

From a neuroscience perspective, chronic resistance to reality keeps the brain’s threat systems—fear, rage, and panic-grief—on high alert. This fuels anxiety and, over time, suppresses motivation and pleasure.

Radical acceptance does not mean liking what is happening or giving up. It reduces defensive reactivity and allows SEEKING—the core emotional system that supports curiosity, motivation, and forward movement—to come back online.

The goal is not to feel good all the time. The goal is to reduce suffering and make more room for positive experience, even when life remains hard.

Ventilation: A Powerful Tool for Regulation

One of the most underappreciated tools for radical acceptance—and for easing anxiety and anhedonia—is ventilation: giving the emotional brain a safe, nonjudgmental space to express itself.

As I have written about in my book, our emotional lives are organized around core wired-in brain systems—fear, rage, grief/panic, seeking, care, play, and lust. Under chronic stress, fear, rage, and grief/panic dominate. Anxiety reflects anticipation of threat; anhedonia emerges when SEEKING is dampened.

Ventilation helps by allowing emotions to be named, felt, and witnessed rather than suppressed. When someone listens without fixing or minimizing, the nervous system settles. Fear softens. Grief eases. Pleasure and motivation can re-emerge.

This kind of attuned listening is a powerful form of co-regulation. A great way to cultivate a safe space for ventilating feelings is to learn active listening tools.  Here’s a link to learn more about how to practice this form of ventilating feelings.

Know Your Defensive Style

Under stress, we default to familiar survival strategies:

• Fight: blame or attack
• Flight: overwork or distraction
• Freeze: numbness or paralysis
• Fawn: people-pleasing

These are learned adaptations or habits that don’t always serve. Without awareness, they keep the nervous system locked in a state of threat, preventing us from connecting with others. If you know your own defensive style, you can learn how to manage it.

Pressing Pause

Learning to recognize activation and press pause is essential. Tight chest, shallow breath, agitation, or muscular tension are cues to stop and regulate—not push through.

You can name this in relationship: “I need a few minutes so I don’t say something I don’t mean.” Regulation is a prerequisite for communication. And communication promotes connection.  And connection can soothe our nervous systems like nothing else.

Pleasure as Resistance and Repair

If suffering narrows our world, pleasure expands it.

As I suffer from anhedonia when stressed, I need to make pleasure-seeking a daily practice. Often, what helps me open to pleasure is to first ventilate my pain and worries.  I ask my husband to give me an active listening session. I pour out my pain, listen to my deepest fears, regrets, hopes, and dreams. Often, I have a good cry.  I grieve, I mourn, and then I move more into the moment.  And being in the moment is a major tool for stress reduction.

For those with trauma histories or harsh inner critics, pleasure often requires intention and permission.

Pleasure is not frivolous. It is how the brain relearns safety and hope.

Re-orienting to the moment

Re-orienting to the moment does not erase suffering, but it stabilizes the nervous system. Sometimes it’s as simple as:

• “In this moment, I am safe.”
• “Right now, we are okay.”
• “We will get through this together.”

Not forever. Just now.

Making Peace Without Losing Heart

Life is challenging. Loss is inevitable. Both my parents have died in the past few years. My dog is sick and not going to get better. The world is a hot mess. Many of us are carrying more than we expected.

Radical acceptance asks us to stop arguing with reality long enough to care for ourselves inside it—to ventilate, regulate, connect, and seek pleasure not as denial, but as devotion to being alive.

To the extent that things are okay, let them be okay.
And where they are not, let us meet ourselves with compassion.

That, too, is resistance.
And it is how we (I) heal.

The post More Tools for Emotional Regulation When Life Hurts: How to Ventilate Big Feelings to Relieve Distress and Promote Pleasure appeared first on Nan Wise.

At the same time, we are living in a culture saturated with anger, grievance, and revenge addiction—a very real phenomenon fueled by hate speech, polarization, and outrage-driven media. Add to that the endless barrage of high-stimulation, engagement-maximizing (anti)social media, and it becomes clear: our emotional and nervous systems are under siege.

This is why rebooting our pleasure brains is no longer a luxury—it is an urgent act of self- and collective care. Pleasure is not frivolous. It is regulatory. It is grounding. It is essential for emotional wisdom. That urgency is why I wrote Why Good Sex Matters, and why I’m writing this now.

In this post, I would like to offer some guidance on how to begin pleasure practices that actually stick.

Why Resolutions Fail—and What to Do Instead

Every New Year, we resolve to do better: eat better, drink less, exercise more, work harder—fill in the blanks. I have written previously about how New Year’s resolutions can backfire. We white-knuckle these intentions for weeks or months, then inevitably slide back into old habits. The result? Shame, self-criticism, and a renewed cycle of comfort-seeking to manage the distress of “failing.”

Our internal critics double down: Try harder. Do more. Be better. The result? We land in an exhausting loop of stress begetting distress begetting more frantic doing, which only deepens the problem.

What I’m proposing—for myself and for you—is something radically different.

It’s time to hit the reboot button and prioritize pleasure as a well-being practice—one that feels good and is good for you. I call this healthy hedonism, and it’s the foundation of a new project I’m birthing: The Wellness Collective, devoted to reclaiming pleasure as medicine.

What Pleasure Is (and Isn’t)

When I talk about pleasure, I’m not talking about having more sex, better sex, or even sex at all. I’m not talking about vacations, spa days, or adding more items to an already overloaded to-do list.

I’m not talking about doing.

As I write in Why Good Sex Matters, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that happiness works in the opposite direction than we’re taught. We believe that if we do the right things, we’ll have what we want, and then we’ll finally be happy. But lasting happiness doesn’t come from doing or having—it comes from being. When we cultivate presence, self-connection, and meaning from the inside out, satisfaction follows naturally. The relationship, the job, the house, and the achievements may enrich our lives, but they don’t create happiness. Who we are does.

Pleasure, at its core, is about being.

Being present is a skill that can be cultivated. Being present, with the willingness to accept what is happening in reality without fighting it, denying it, or resisting it, is called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the active ingredient in all mindfulness practices and is well worth exploring. This involves being present to your thoughts, feelings, moods, and challenges. (Tolerating and navigating big feelings can become easier with some tools.) Being present with your parents, children, partners, friends, colleagues, and neighbors fosters true connection. Pleasure arises from being connected to your senses, your body, and to others—not just living in your head.

Pleasure is also about being in your truth—about authenticity. Years ago, I read the Radical Honesty series by Brad Blanton, which argues that one of the greatest threats to mental health is our habit of withholding our truths from ourselves and each other.

Simple Pleasure Practices That Matter

Be here now.

Take a shower. Eat a meal. Walk outside and actually be there. Turn off your phone and turn on your senses—your eyes, ears, skin, breath, and body.

Be authentic.

Speak your truth while remembering that your truth in this moment is not The Truth—and that it will likely change over time. We often withhold honesty to protect others, avoid discomfort, manipulate outcomes, or maintain control. The cost is disconnection—from ourselves and from those we care about most. When we allow ourselves to ventilate our thoughts, feelings, judgments, and interpretations, we often release resentment, fear, anger, and shame. As Blanton notes, what we often fear more than the pain of disconnection is the intensity of pleasure and freedom that comes from being fully expressed, fully seen, and deeply connected.

Be willing to take relational risks.

You can be both kind and truthful. And if honesty hurts someone’s feelings, be willing to stay—stay present, stay connected, stay engaged. That’s where real intimacy and pleasure live.

In Closing

This New Year, I invite you to move away from do-have-be and toward be-have-do. Let yourself feel your big feelings and share them. Keep things simple. Go back to nature. Spend time inhabiting your body and living your truth.

So, who’s up for the challenge?

Key Points

Pleasure is not a reward for a life well-lived. It is the foundation that makes a life well-lived possible.

Chronic stress and cultural overload dysregulate the brain—pleasure helps restore balance and resilience.

Sustainable well-being comes from being, not doing—presence and acceptance change the brain.

Authenticity and relational risk foster connection, intimacy, and genuine pleasure.

The post How to Reboot Your Pleasure Brain for the New Year: And Why This Is Both Important and Urgent appeared first on Nan Wise.

In my last post, inspired by the Netflix documentary about Phil Stutz, author of The Tools, I wrote about how harnessing attention on new ways of “being,” (being your most social self), rather than “doing” (certain things to get desired results), in conjunction with practicing radical acceptance, can greatly enhance our capacity for happiness.

The challenge for most is how to practice radical acceptance of what is, when what is, is painful

Tolerating feelings (especially the hard ones) can be a pathway to pleasure

Understanding the symbiotic relationship between pain and pleasure can help us tolerate and embrace all of our emotions. This is key to enhancing our capacity to experience pleasures in the moment and happiness over the long haul.

The relationship between pain and pleasure

Much of our understanding of what enables us to experience pleasure counterintuitively comes from the more abundant research into pain. When we investigate the brain correlates of pleasure more closely, we discover that the pathways for pleasure and pain are closely intertwined.

This interdependent relationship between pleasure and pain is part of our survival network. We are designed to feel them both viscerally. Pleasure and pain, interconnected in the brain, function as signals that get our attention, prompting us to approach things to fulfill our needs as well as to avoid potential harm. When these signals get disrupted, we feel depressed, vulnerable, anxious, and out of sorts—all symptoms of anhedonia, which is the inability to feel satisfying pleasure. When we avoid our painful feelings, we can end up becoming emotionally blunted, with little capacity for joy.

All mammals have built-in pain pathways designed to pick up on painful stimuli and respond by releasing pain-relieving chemicals. These built-in pain inhibitory mechanisms stimulate brain regions that release key internal opioids (endorphins and enkephalins) that make us feel good. Pain functions as survival information, with its own direct line to the brain signaling us to fight, flee or freeze. These wired-in pain-relief mechanisms are the source of our internally produced pleasure chemicals.

In my research on genital stimulation and orgasm, both activated the “pain circuits.” This observed activation of the pain-pleasure pathway provides clear evidence of the biological roots of the pain-relieving effects of genital stimulation. Indeed, this is one way our internal opioids help regulate pain in childbirth when certain neurochemicals are released to buffer what might otherwise be even more painful.

Our culture shapes us to avoid pain at all costs

Further exacerbating this connection between pain and pleasure is our difficulty with tolerating any measure of negative feelings. At the first sign of pain, we take an aspirin. At the first sign of emotional discomfort, we may be encouraged to take an antidepressant. In fact, as a culture, we are told not to feel too much of anything! Ironically, this attitude about pain and discomfort points to a profound misconception about how we experience pleasure.

In the popular book, Big Feelings, author Liz Foddlein proposes that we embrace the pain of anxiety associated with uncertainty, and, in so doing, transform it into an energizing part of the adventure of life.

When we avoid pain, we are also learning to avoid pleasure. We shut down emotionally as well as physically. For example, though we may lose a pet and mourn the loss, most people eventually want the pleasure of another pet. Those people whose intolerance for pain is too much will avoid these feelings entirely by refusing to get another pet.

Paying attention to sensations in our body is a route to reversing anhedonia

If you are trapped in pleasure-seeking mode all the time and trying to avoid discomfort or emotional pain, the result will be that your experience of pleasure will also be diluted and numbed. In other words, we need to feel both pain and pleasure to keep our brain and body in balance. The avoidance of feeling pain or pleasure is strikingly obvious when clients first show up for therapy and seem disconnected from the awareness of the sensations in their bodies. It is hard to get them to even respond to the simple question, “What are you noticing in your body as we discuss this issue?” Their blank stares in reaction to my query speak volumes.

My life’s work has taught me that the ability to notice, experience, and tolerate the sensations in the body that accompany the thoughts in the mind is critical to empowering wholeness and well-being. We dwell so much in our (often negative) thoughts and interpretations, strivings, and expectations that we register very little of what is actually happening in the body. When we do attend to our body, we often get caught up in wanting it to be different instead of appreciating what is. When signals from the body are interrupted, the result is that there is no result. No response, no stirring of the imagination. No tingling, no desire. This is the state many of my clients find themselves in, having lost their capacity for pleasure.

How do we get back on the path to pleasure? We need a road map.

In her bestselling book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke offers one. “Immerse yourself in the life you’ve been given, stop running away from whatever it is you’re avoiding, turn and face it. Now walk toward it.”

And we need tools, too. In my book, Why Good Sex Matters, I explain how learning about our core emotions, identifying sensations in the body, and consciously experiencing them more fully in the moment with curiosity, tolerance, and self-love can increase the frequency of pleasurable feelings that are good for us and make our lives happier, more balanced, and more enjoyable.

It is a helpful cure for anhedonia, and what a great map for moving beyond the victimhood of the past and into an empowered and exciting present time wherein healthy pleasure is a possibility.

References

Wise, N. J., Frangos, E., & Komisaruk, B. R. (2017). Brain activity unique to orgasm in women: An fMRI analysis. The journal of sexual medicine, 14(11), 1380-1391.

Wise, N. (2020). Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-filled Life. Houghton Mifflin.

Lembke, A. (2021). Dopamine nation: Finding balance in the age of indulgence. Penguin.

The post Neuroscience Hacks: The Healing Power of Pleasure appeared first on Nan Wise.

Want to make New Year’s resolutions that enrich your life and increase your happiness?

The ability to enjoy life is on the mind of a lot of people, as evidenced by the popularity of the Netflix movie Stutz, in which the actor/director Jonah Hill shares his therapy journey to self-acceptance and happiness, guided by his psychiatrist Phil Stutz, author of The Tools. Don’t take my word for the incredible power of this approach; in a recent Esquire piece titled “Anyone With a Brain Should See Stutz Right Now,” the author asserts that watching this show will change the way you see the world.

One of the most important lessons regarding happiness I’ve learned from decades of being a psychotherapist and writing my book, Why Good Sex Matters, is that happiness doesn’t work like we think it does. In fact, we often have things backward! We imagine that if we do certain things, we will have what we want and need, and then we will be happy. Many of us convince ourselves that if we achieve the right weight, get the right relationship, the right job, the right house, car, hot tub—all the possessions and accomplishments that we think we need and want—then we will be happy. Ah… if only.

What ends up happening is that we chase our happiness on the hedonic treadmill.

We habituate to our new gains, and our happiness returns to baseline quickly. The good news is that this set point can be modified or adjusted by consciously making choices to manage our core emotional systems.

The late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp, through decades of meticulous experimental work, established that all mammals have seven distinct circuits, buried in the deep, ancient parts of the brain—which, when experimentally stimulated, evoke specific emotions (responses that get us to move into the world) to meet our needs. These core emotional systems—seeking, fear, rage, panic/grief, lust, care, and play—serve as the “primary colors” of our basic emotions, which, in concert with the higher brain regions, drive our emotional lives.

A very brief introduction to the core emotions.

The predominant system, powered by dopamine, is called seeking (as it is designed to motivate us via pleasurable feelings to find that which we need and also through pain signals to avoid what will be painful). As such, it also helps to regulate the other systems, which fall into two categories that are about ensuring our survival: the defensive emotions (fear, anger, and panic/grief) and the social emotions, lust (the urge to merge), care (the source of our feelings of well-being, powered by our internal opioids), and play (the source of our social joy). Together, these seven core emotional states are wired into our human DNA.

Another piece of good news is that the hedonic treadmill also works in reverse. We adjust to negative events, even those that are very upsetting, and return to our relative set point of well-being. We, humans, are an adaptable species!

So, if a large part of happiness resides in what we decide to do with the cards we are dealt, why not take advantage, harness the power of our attention, and focus on how to be happy, satisfied, and complete right here and now.

How to harness the power of attention.

How we are using our attention is creating big problems. We spend way too much time in continuous partial attention, constantly dividing our attention. Think of it as being plugged into our devices, always on standby. We wait for notifications, messages, likes, and other input.

We are no longer present in the moment. We are no longer present to the people in the room. This hijacks our emotional brains and sabotages our capacity to connect to others. Making a conscious choice to unplug enough to be present can do wonders for our well-being.

Creating your new way to be can be done by using what I call “operational intelligence.”

Operational intelligence involves learning how to own our feelings of anger: for example, listening to what fuels these feelings, acknowledging our interpretations and expectations, and then taking appropriate action (if necessary) to remedy the issue. In other words, negative feelings are fine to have. You don’t want to deny or block them. But you also want to shift your attention to view these feelings as opportunities to become more connected and intimate instead of stonewalling or free-falling in defense mode.

Operational intelligence is, in essence, the process that enables us to realize that we all have the inner resources we need to be happy.

Here’s an example: The old version of you is based on you not liking your body. You think, “If I lose weight, then I will be happy. Then I will want to have sex again and feel good in and out of clothes.” So, you diet and fight your feelings of hunger and cravings for comfort foods. You deprive yourself and lose a few pounds. You feel good for a bit but then get stressed about something and eat even more. You then feel fat, discouraged, and unhappy. And even if you manage to lose weight again, something else bugs you. You don’t like your stretch marks, wrinkles, job, or something else, and it’s on to the next goal that you imagine will make you happy.

The new version of you would start with “I like my body and want to move my body in ways that feel good. I consciously step into loving my body exactly as it is. I decide to be happy in my body.” From here, you listen to your body and feed it foods that taste good and are good for you. You dance, you play, and you move your body because it feels good. You enjoy your body. You feel sexy! You want to share your beautiful body with your lover. You focus on self-love and self-soothing and self-care.

Doesn’t that sound like a great way to start the new year?

The post Neuroscience Hacks for Enhancing Happiness: Harnessing your attention on new ways to be for the new year. appeared first on Nan Wise.

What Are the Core Emotions?

We humans, just like other mammals, are born with emotional operating systems or “instincts” that are hard-wired into the evolutionarily oldest parts of the brain, what I affectionately call the “brain’s basement.”

How Do We Know About These Systems?

The late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp, through decades of meticulous experimental work, established that all mammals have seven distinct circuits buried in the deep, ancient parts of the brain—which, when experimentally stimulated, evoke specific emotions (responses that get us to move into the world) to meet our needs. These core emotional systems—SEEKING, FEAR, RAGE, PANIC/GRIEF, LUST, CARE, and PLAY—serve as the “primary colors” of our basic emotions, which, in concert with the higher brain regions, drive our emotional lives.

A Very Brief Introduction to The Core Emotions

The predominant system is called the SEEKING system (as it is designed to motivate us to find that which we need). As such, it also helps to regulate the other systems, which fall into two categories that are about ensuring our survival: the defensive emotions (FEAR, ANGER, PANIC/GRIEF) and the social emotions (LUST, CARE, and PLAY). Together these seven core emotional states are wired into our human DNA.

SEEKING = Motivation

To survive, we must automatically seek what we need. This is true of food, air, water, safety, love, companionship, and sex. Pleasure is embedded into these basic survival needs. As such, the experience of SEEKING can be highly pleasurable under the right conditions. However, when we get stuck in the SEEKING system, which is powered by dopamine, we can start looking for the right things in all the wrong places! We get hijacked. Sound familiar?

The Defensive Systems

FEAR = Scared

We are born with an innate fear response designed to protect us from danger. All vertebrates have evolutionarily encoded the ability to recognize external threats that reliably cause pain or predict danger. For humans, our FEAR system is relatively flexible. Other than being innately afraid of pain and evolutionarily based tendencies such as fear of heights, snakes, and spiders, we learn to fear other things through our experience. But what is clear is that all mammals are exquisitely wired to quickly and robustly learn to respond to a vast array of stimuli that predict dangerous stuff —stuff we indeed come to FEAR.

RAGE = Angry

A balanced RAGE system is associated with appropriately being able to de‐ fend against threats. It also allows us to take appropriate stands when angered that are constructive and facilitates the resolution of conflicts.

An overactive RAGE system can cause a hair-trigger temper and high hostility levels, compromising our ability to enjoy life. An underactive RAGE system can interfere with our ability to set boundaries and stand up for our needs.

PANIC/GRIEF = Anxious/Sad

This system contributes to protecting our “life-sustaining social bonds” and is built into our brains to protect us by keeping us close to significant relationships and resources that are critical to physical survival and emotional “thrival.” Built in to keep us connected to others—essential for a social animal—this system gets triggered when we lose a loved one. It is the source of our grief and the neural substrate of heartbreak.

The Social Emotions

CARE = Love

Powered by our own internal opioids, a balanced CARE system is associated with feelings of well-being and security in relationships. Those with balanced CARE systems will have at least one or two close, reliable sources of support and regularly engage in social activities. They can love those closest to them without needing to control them. They are also in touch with the capacity to self-love and practice self-care.

An overactive CARE system typically shows up as an inability to comfort yourself because you are overly attuned to others. When this system is underactive, it can hamper the ability to nurture or form lasting social bonds.

PLAY = Joy

PLAY is the joyful occupation of all young mammals (and some other lucky critters, too). Play is how we learn to explore and experiment with ourselves, each other, and the world and learn how to socialize. The PLAY system tends to be highly developed in the young but begins to ebb for many adults.

A balanced PLAY system is indicated by an adult who has a good sense of humor, continues to know how to relax and have fun, how to amuse oneself, has hobbies or interests, and otherwise enjoys the zany aspects of life.

When PLAY is overactive in adults, it can manifest as the refusal to engage in mature adult behaviors—the perpetual Peter Pans.

The PLAY system can only be expressed when the person feels safe, whether it be an adult or a child.

LUST = The Urge to Merge

Mother nature has enduringly wired all animals with a primary urge to merge. On one level, it appears to be about the survival of the species, but it goes deeper. Our sexuality creates connections that enhance our relationships and bond us deeply.

When the LUST system is in balance, we experience a desire for sex and satisfaction when we have it. We feel comfortable with our desire level and are open to exploring ways to experience pleasure. An overactive LUST system typically shows up as some form of out-of-control, compulsive, inappropriate, or harmful sexual behavior. An underactive LUST system usually shows up as a lack of sexual desire.

In Conclusion

Balancing SEEKING + CARE + PLAY + LUST = Big fun in and out of the bedroom

The ability to experience pleasure is not a luxury. It is a necessity for a well-balanced emotional brain. Forget about the sex drive. Focus on getting back your pleasure drive. This is the first step to reclaiming a life worth living and loving. Stay tuned for more about why core emotions matter and how to balance them.

The post Lost Your Sex Drive? Not Sexually Satisfied? (Here’s what you need to know about core emotions) appeared first on Nan Wise.

In addition to my upset (which is considerable, motivating me to pen this post as an attempt to actively cope), my clients, friends, family, strangers in the supermarket, and followers on social media have all been reeling in the wake of the supreme court decision–not to mention grave concern about the repercussions of where this may be leading us. What’s next?

Some of what appears to be heading for the chopping block:

Gay marriage. Rights for people to decide who they can be in terms of gender identity. Access to contraception. The banning of certain forms of fertility treatments. Denial of care for ectopic pregnancy crises and further erosion of health care quality for women. The list goes on.

How are we going to have choices, as women, about our reproductive rights?

We are a nation already divided by politics, apparently stressed beyond our resources following the pandemic long-haul, which itself wreaked unprecedented havoc on our everyday lives. And now, we are navigating a challenging economy that threatens to destabilize our finances further and our means to provide for our families. How does this leave us feeling?

Burnt out, sad, mad, enraged, disillusioned, traumatized, deflated, and in despair, for starters.

What can we do with these feelings to actively cope and push back?

What’s active coping?

Simply put, active coping involves taking concrete actions that draw upon our inner resources to help create changes in the situation that help us feel empowered, even if those changes are focused on shifting perspectives when actions may not be feasible. Active coping helps us stay engaged with problem-solving to create the internal and external resources we need to navigate the challenges.

Here are some ways we can take motivated action, from personal to political.

1. Defend your rights: Donate money to organizations that support abortion rights.

For those of us old enough to recall life before Roe v. Wade, this reversal comes as a body blow. It is important to remember that women (and the men who support the cause of women’s rights) have made huge strides before, and we can again! In the wise words of a 20-year-old client, “we young women aren’t going to take this sitting down.” Get mad and get loud and get active. Put your donations into action. Or volunteer to help fundraise for the causes fighting the good fight.

2. Educate ourselves and each other about the issues.

In our country, abortion rates have been declining, likely because we have had more access to effective birth control and morning-after medications as options. Abortion, however, remains a relatively common procedure in America: Approximately one out of four women will have an abortion by age 45. That’s a lot of us! Rates vary considerably among race and ethnicity, likely due to racism and discrimination that make access to high-quality and affordable health care more challenging.

There are two time periods in our lives where we are more likely to end up with an unwanted pregnancy; early in our reproductive years (say ages 20-24), when we haven’t quite mastered contraceptive practices and aren’t yet ready for parenthood, and conversely at the very end of our reproductive years when we are experiencing the kind of hormone fluctuations which can play havoc with our cycles.

Making sure that our sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, and partners have access to this information will help people anticipate and prepare for these risky periods and gain access to the resources to navigate them.

3. Speak up: Destigmatize abortion by sharing our stories.

The #MeToo movement was a big call to action to stand up against sexual abuse, harassment, and rape culture. It was a global wave of speaking to power, sharing truths to release shame, and holding perpetrators accountable.

Perhaps we might consider creating a movement to destigmatize abortion by saying, #UsToo. Many of us have had abortions. We are not in this alone. And deciding to have an abortion is a heartbreaking, wrenchingly difficult choice for any woman to make, but we women are faced with having to make many difficult choices over our lifetimes.

Here is my #UsToo abortion story. I, Nan Wise, during my reproductive years, had two abortions, one early in the game, and the other, at endgame time when a vasectomy failed.

And accidents happen even if your unwanted pregnancy doesn’t occur during the two “higher-risk” periods of our reproductive lives.

Condoms break, and contraception methods, even the pill, can fail. Who can recall the “Today Sponge,” a contraceptive method immortalized by the character Elaine on the show Seinfeld? That method was less effective than touted and was taken off the market, but not before I managed to conceive my beloved second child during the first week of using it. And let’s face it if you figure that, on average, women can be fertile for approximately three decades, there are a lot of opportunities for mishaps or slip-ups to occur.

And unfortunately, as we too well know, women don’t always get to plan when and if they have sex. The idea that a woman who is the victim of sexual abuse or rape is forced, under these conditions, to carry a pregnancy to term against her will if abortion is unavailable is unconscionable and quite frankly inhumane.

From the personal to the political

As I write this, I am anxious. Revealing my abortion history feels scary. In addition to the current political climate, where some people are quick to judge and potentially threaten those whose ideas conflict with their beliefs, I have been trained to be professional.

But here is my truth. I feel called to speak up. As a sixty-five-year-old woman, way beyond my reproductive years, I look back at these choices with sadness but not regret. I made those choices because they were the right ones for me at the time. I was fortunate enough to receive proper medical care, courtesy of abortion being a legal right protected by The Roe v. Wade decision.

But many American women will not be afforded the freedom of choice. Let’s push back together.

The post The Heartbreak of the Roe v. Wade Reversal A Personal Perspective: Three ways to actively cope and feel empowered. appeared first on Nan Wise.

Pleasure is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for overall wellbeing. This is why wondering how to turn yourself on is just as valuable and vital as wondering how to reduce stress in your life. In fact, sex (solo or with a partner) can reduce stress—something I’ve seen time and time again in my decades of work as a certified sex and relationship therapist and also in the results of fMRI scans in my work as a neuroscientist studying the scientific benefits of sexual pleasure. (I even wrote an entire book, Why Good Sex Matters, about it.)

If you’re looking to invest more in your solo sex game, you’ve come to the right place. And if you don’t already have a masturbation practice, welcome. I’ll walk you through the best-proven masturbation tips for how to turn yourself on—and prioritize your mental and physical health in the process.

1. Create a pleasure mindset.

Good sex—even with ourselves—starts outside the bedroom. The first step in creating pleasure is to cultivate a “pleasure mindset.”

What do I mean by that? Designate time and space for feel-good fun. Pleasures of all kinds, not just sexual pleasure, are good for the brain. So block off a few hours each week to do something that feels good. It needn’t involve masturbation or sex of any kind—anything that feels good and is good for you can help you access that pleasure mindset next time you are in the bedroom.

2. Explore a new hobby.

This may not seem like a classic masturbation tip, but it’s actually a powerful way to help you turn yourself on when you do have some alone time. Eroticism starts with having a passion for living. By engaging our “seeking system”—a wired-in core emotion powered by dopamine– designed by nature to capture our attention and energize and motivate us to pursue our needs for everything from food and shelter to safety, love, and sex– we can dial up our LUST for life. In these times of challenge, our lives might be a bit curtailed, but our imaginations can run free. Virtually explore, learn something new, dive into an interest or curiosity.

3. Turn off your phone.

Being present is really the first requirement of getting turned on. So turn off social media, put down the smartphone, and be in the moment. Get your head in the game and your body will follow.

4. Relax.

Stress kills the pleasure mindset.

Chronic stress is a true buzz kill. Over time, the sustained release of the stress hormone cortisol will not only take its toll on our overall health and wellbeing but dampen our sex drives. But the good news here is that having sex can reduce our cortisol levels.   One more reason to masturbate!

If you need help learning how to relax,  here’s a link to the tools I use myself.

A Quick tip:  by breathing in and out through your nose and making the exhale a bit longer than the inhale, you will harness the power of the nervous system to calm itself.

5. Spend time in the sun.

The hypothalamus is your body’s master hormone machine. It regulates everything, including our appetites for food and sex, our moods, even our waking and sleep cycles. Getting natural sunlight can help stimulate the hypothalamus (and is also linked to lower rates of stress). Not getting enough natural sunlight has contributed to the worldwide epidemics of obesity, depression, anxiety disorders, and stress. A big reason to spend time outdoors all year round!

6. Pay attention to the sensations in your body.

A great way to relax is to start a regular self-attunement practice to help you connect to your body. Take out your journal and answer these questions: What’s on your mind? What’s going on in your body? How’s your emotional state?  By listening to your own being, you will be more able to tap into what you want and need. And if you are down or frazzled, don’t worry.  Simply giving yourself permission to be exactly as you are, with whatever challenges you’re experiencing, is key to loosening and softening and ultimately releasing the emotions. I call this practice radical acceptance and it’s a powerful took for wellbeing.

7. Create a playlist.

Music is another really helpful way to relax—and can be hugely helpful in figuring out how to turn yourself on. Music—especially an empowering WAP anthem—primes joy. Create a mix of your favorite songs that help you get in the mood for sex and play it next time you masturbate. (You can also play it for your partner when the opportunity arises.)

8. Set the mood.

Create an atmosphere of seduction in your bedroom, just for you. Nice clean sheets, a new comforter or blanket, soft lighting, candles, and incense can all help set the stage for the intention to celebrate pleasure.

9. Fantasize.

I’ve often said, your brain is your most powerful sex organ. You can turn up the volume on pleasurable sensations from your genitals just by using your mind. In my research, participants were able to light up their brain’s pleasure centers by just thinking about genital stimulation.

10. Know your erogenous zones.

Sexual arousal doesn’t just come from stimulating your genitals—the body is full of hot spots such as the thighs, buttocks, and the small of the back. Here’s a hot tip for more sexy fun:  Don’t think ears are just for hearing. Beyond the obvious pleasures of listening to delicious sounds, stimulating the outer ear can directly activate our brains’ pleasure centers. There’s a scientific reason for this. Turns out that the turn-on from ear sensation is driven by the Vagus nerve– a major component of the calming and restorative side of our nervous system- which my lab has shown is activated during orgasm–

11. Experiment with different types of orgasms.

The various parts of the clitoris can unlock a lot of pleasure, while the vagina, cervix, and nipples have a deep resonance on their own. Connect the dots between pleasure places. When you play a number of these keys together, the sensations can blend, combine, and merge, into a crescendo of different types of orgasms.

12. Exercise.

Regular exercise has long been understood to help boost sexual arousal. So if you want to turn yourself on, show your body some love by walking outside for 15 minutes at least two times per day. Yoga can be an especially erotic exercise practice—focusing on the breath and the energy in the body is a fantastic way to get in an erotic frame of mind. Do it by yourself or with a  partner.

13. Focus on connection.

When you are with a partner, sizzle up your interactions. As discussed in my book, creating ongoing sexual potential and lifelong turn-on involves being willing to take risks with partners.  Couples who learn how to take risks by penetrating each other’s psyches keep learning and growing together. For example, start with a regular practice of asking your partner about the high and low points of their day.   And then go deeper to probe. Cultivating the ability to actively and deeply listen to our partners is HOT. If you’d like to explore tools for listening click here.

14. Get more playful.

Play is the source of a great deal of our social joy and pleasure—it helps build resilience and enhance our ability to cope with stress.

15. Explore the world of porn.

It’s a myth that women aren’t into porn. In fact, watching porn can help those of us–even moms- who’ve lost access to our mojo– jumpstart our libidos. Whether you like visual stimulation, audio porn, or settling in with some delicious erotica, a narrative aid can be a great way to prime yourself for pleasure. Just make sure you’re turning to ethical, feminist sources.

16. Find the right sex toy.

There are plenty of ways to turn yourself on using just your own body and your mind. But a vibrator can also be a wonderful thing to incorporate.In terms of choosing a vibrator,  I suggest starting with a simple one without bells and whistles and go from there. In a previous column we explored how to play with settings and experiment with different parts of the body. To view a fun cartoon video tutorial on all things vibrational, click here.

17. Just go for it.

Ultimately, the best masturbation tip for turning yourself on is just to do it. As my research has shown, our bodies are wired for pleasurable sensations—and the more you activate the pleasure pathways in your brain, the more you’ll strengthen them. In other words, repeated stimulation is key.

The post How to Harness the Healing Power of Pleasure appeared first on Nan Wise.

The first step in learning any kind of material is understanding how the brain/mind works. I write extensively about this in my book, Why Good Sex Matters. Here is a crash course on how the brain/mind works for the purpose of understanding how we can learn how to learn more anti-racist attitudes and beliefs that will empower our culture’s healing.

The Distinction Between Short Term And Long-Term Memory

Short-term memory is more accurately called “working memory.” It is the conscious window through which we experience the world and navigate our daily lives. It’s a constantly rebooting 15-20 second platform through which we observe what is happening around us. We use a feature of working memory, called the “central executive” to decide if we need to pull something out of long-term memory. We can use another part to rehearse a phone number, and still another part to temporarily hold information about how things look.

Bottom line: What isn’t converted to long term memory is lost in a very short period of time.

Long-Term Memory Is A Whole Different Process

These memories can last from hours to years to an entire lifetime.

We need to understand the critical role emotions play in how short-term memories get converted to long-term memories. But to do so, we need to understand the three levels of the brain/ mind.

Top brain/mind

The top of the brain/mind is essentially where our working memory lives. It is the evolutionarily newest “smart brain”- the neocortex. We human beings have tons of it. It houses what we are consciously aware of. For example, this is where we experience our “explicit” attitudes or beliefs. At the top of our minds, we can say,” I am not bigoted. I believe all people are equal”. And that is indeed the truth at the top of our minds. But the story is way more complicated. The top mind gets tons of influence from other levels of our brain/mind of which we are not consciously aware of. Most of what goes on in our mind is indeed “under the hood” of our conscious awareness.

Just trying to think ourselves out of bigotry at the top of the mind is not all that effective as we shall see. It requires understanding how the other levels of mind contribute to our implicit attitudes.

Bottom brain/mind

In the very basement of the brain/mind is our evolutionarily older equipment, which we share with other mammals. This is the source of the core “emotional instinct” brain circuits that are wired-in for our survival. We know about these core emotions from brain studies. When these circuits get experimentally stimulated, they create the emotional reactions that nature equipped us to defend and protect ourselves, as well as to seek connections with others so we can survive and thrive. The emotional instincts show up in our body sensations and visceral experiences.

The FEAR system helps us avoid danger. The RAGE system helps us defend ourselves. The PANIC system gets triggered when we get disconnected from our sources of support.

The other systems move us toward connections.

The CARE system (powered by our own internally produced opioids) is the source of the warm and fuzzy life-sustaining feelings that we experience through our relationships. The PLAY system helps kids learn about the world through exploration, and in adults creates resilience and social joy. The LUST system is our urge to merge. And the one wired-in system that works with all of the systems is the SEEKING system, powered by dopamine, which is the source of our enthusiasm and motivation to go out into the world and get our needs met.

And for the record, the tone of these emotional systems varies from person to person. By nature, and reinforced by experience some people are more FEARful or RAGEful or PANICky, or CAREing, or PLAYful, or LUSTful, or prone to SEEKING. The tone of these systems helps form our personalities.

Mid-level automatic learning brain/mind

A big player in the learning process is the midlevel mind which makes connections between experiences and emotions. We tend to pay close attention to things that are associated with either very positive or very negative emotions as that gives us important information. Experiences that are associated with positive feelings need to be recalled for survival–e.g., a place that has tons of yummy food becomes associated with good feelings and we learn that connection. And likewise, a place that has been associated with pain feels bad and we learn to avoid it for survival and wellbeing. We don’t even need to consciously remember the connection to be influenced by these learned associations; we automatically feel like approaching pleasure places and avoiding pain places. These associations became so ingrained that they become habits. And indeed, it is useful as the brain/mind to be a habit making machine. If we weren’t able to easily create habits, it would take us forever just to get out of the house in the morning. Habits make life work better most of the time. But when it comes to some emotional habits, such as implicit biases, they can be stubbornly affixed and not always so helpful

The mid level brain/mind is where we learn the implicit “unconscious” biases. We can learn for example to associate ingroup people (people who look like us) with more comfort and ease and to make associations with outgroup folks (people who look different) with more discomfort or fear. And think back to what we discussed regarding people having different temperaments at the bottom of the brain. People who are more FEARful or RAGEful might make these biased connections a bit more strongly or easily than those with less defensively wired emotional brains.

Back To How Emotions Play A Big Role In Memory

via GIPHY

As we have seen, what gets transferred from short-term to long-term memory is largely influenced by our emotions. Things that we experience as really good or really bad get our attention and are more likely to make it to the more long-lasting long-term memory. Thus, we need to pay close attention to our embodied emotions in order to make changes to our implicit biases. Our bodies react subtly to reveal our emotional triggers which can give us good information to work with to help us learn new more positive connections.

And for the record, most of us have been impacted by a culture of white privilege that has conditioned us to the implicit biases of whiteness as the “norm.” So, while at the top of the brain/mind we experience ourselves as non-racist, our mid level brain/minds with our conditioned learning can be deeply ingrained toward unconsciously biased attitudes that need to be updated.

It is not about unlearning our old habits. It is all about new learning

If we want to change our attitudes to become more anti-racist, we’re not going to unlearn habits. What works, in general, more effectively is focusing on learning newer, more positive, and more powerful associations such that the old biases become extinct.

What we need to do is learn new positive associations between people who are not like us and our emotions. In other words, promoting a feeling of well-being about learning these new things will help us begin the process of creating new and long-lasting shifts in our implicit beliefs and attitudes.

By being aware that we’ve been enculturated in the mid level mind with the attitudes of white privilege so automatically that it has become like the wallpaper we don’t even notice, we can monitor ourselves for implicit biases. Noticing this can help us make changes in the way that we think about and respond to things like racial prejudice.

Educate ourselves by stoking our emotional systems of SEEKING, CARE, and PLAY

By getting curious (fostering our SEEKING system to seek solutions) and be caring of ourselves (lose self-blame and judgment) and more caring of others, we can become more playful and creative in SEEKing solutions. This also lets us cultivate our huge capacity for empathy.

Then we get to do the work.

Becoming an anti-racist is both a personal and collective journey. There are some wonderful resources for helping us start by working on ourselves and then branching off to making a difference in the biggest of pictures.

We need to stay focused on the actual issues and the questions about how we can be helpful. How can we heal as a nation? How can we combat our systematic racism? How can we make sure that people get access to the health care they need? How can we team up to make the quality of life good for all?

The post How We Can Learn To Be Anti-Racist appeared first on Nan Wise.

In retrospect, this has been a perfect storm. Start with a big fat dose of ever-present, ongoing systematic racism, factor in a backdrop of escalating income disparity, add in a full boil pandemic plus the harrowing torture and death of a yet another unarmed black man by the hands of the police, and now the streets are full of protestors.

The good news? Crisis presents a big opportunity for change!

As a psychotherapist/neuroscientist who teaches people how to regulate their core emotions in order to facilitate relationship healing, I am eager to see our nation take this opportunity to grow. If we work together, we can turn this breakdown into a breakthrough. A nation in crisis is a nation that has a huge opportunity for collective healing. We need to listen in to the good and caring voices of our citizens who no longer want to tolerate the intolerable. We need to think about how we as one nation can contribute to the wellbeing of all citizens, a nation where lives matter (black lives, brown lives, all lives!) more than politics, greed, or tribalism.

But how?

When I work with couples, I apply insights gleaned from research. The Gottman Institute has been instrumental in conducting systematic studies of couples showing that specific partnership habits and communication skills determine which couples thrive versus crash and burn. Let’s take these lessons about the tools for effective interpersonal relationships and see what happens when we apply them to our relationship with our own nation. It’s certainly worth a try.

The first step is understanding the series of events that have led to the breakdown. Let’s take a look.

For years, our collective wellbeing has been sorely challenged. Even before the pandemic, based on the escalating rates of depression, addiction, and anxiety disorders, we were having a rough time. More recently, in the midst of the coronavirus, the Centers for Disease Control’s Household Pulse Survey has indicated that a third of Americans now show signs of clinical anxiety or depression. People are currently stressed out and flooded by catecholamines and cortisol–the hormones our bodies release in response to ongoing challenges–that over time contribute to all sorts of physical and emotional dis-ease.

A big contributor to our collective distress has been the increasing sense of us versus them: the tribalistic approach to who is considered ingroup versus outgroup. Skin color, nationality, ethnicity, religion, or political beliefs– you name it –constitute differences that can be used to divide. One dimension that further inflames the us/them divide is income disparity. According to Inequality.org, for the past 30 years, the gap between the rich and everyone else has been growing by leaps and bounds. And guess what? According to epidemiological data, income inequality not only kills the poor but large income disparity tears apart the bonds of a sound social structure (sound familiar?). It contributes to distrust and cross-community conflict, ultimately resulting in compromised immunity and higher death rates for all–the rich included. This may not be terribly soothing to the significant number of Americans living in poverty and without access to health care, but the bottom line is that having significantly more than enough money to survive does not mean an individual will thrive.

Worn down from the ongoing stress, we’ve experienced a tipping point, culminating in the tragedy of George Floyd. The collective distress has been fully kindled and is spreading across the nation.

Amid the crisis, we need to listen in to what is good.

People are no longer willing to tolerate the implicit and explicit racism that has prevailed. Black, white, and brown people are marching side-by-side, protesting injustice and inequality. Many are no longer willing to tolerate the unimaginable and inequitable conditions that people of color have had to tolerate.

In this article, I am going to apply what we know to work in promoting healthy long-term intimate partnerships to how we, as a nation, can approach our collective crisis.

1. Recognize We Are Triggered and Attempt to Manage Our Core Emotional Reactivity to Avoid a Judgmental Attitude

There are tons of reasons that people are feeling scared, sad, and angry these days. Let’s take a brief moment to discuss our brain/minds.

Human beings come equipped by evolution with wired-in core emotional systems that can get activated by what we perceive as threats to our safety and welfare. I write extensively about how these emotions, including the defensive systems of FEAR, RAGE, and PANIC– can get triggered and imbalanced in my book, which makes it harder for us to get in touch with our more connection- friendly emotions such as CARE. CARE is the emotional system that soothes us through our tender relationships with loved ones.  It is powered by our own internally manufactured opioids which gives us a feeling of wellbeing. When defensive systems are triggered, the result renders us less able to be collectively conscious and caring. We see “others” as threatening. We see “them” as the “problem”. We get panicky and lose empathy. This happens on the level of intimate relationships, and it is what drives a great deal of relational distress.

And when we are triggered, we judge, and we assign blame. If you have a look at the signs and symptoms of an unhealthy relationship, first and foremost is the rush to judgment and blame (sound familiar?). Partners refuse to take responsibility for what they are creating. It becomes all about the other partner’s behavior.

In the current big picture, it is very triggering to watch the news and see such chaos in our country and big chasms between political world views. It is natural to think that the other side is ignorant or wrong. But when we jump into judgments, we lose the ability to listen and learn.

A new skill set to develop?

One of the habits that we know predict better outcomes in intimate relationships is the ability to regulate our core emotional reactions. So, when we feel misunderstood or mistreated, we don’t immediately react badly. Responding constructively to our upsets with others is a superpower of the relationship warrior. Relationship warriors don’t avoid conflict. Quite the contrary. They take calm stands for what they need or want and are positive and persistent in pushing back on their partners.

How to apply this to our relationship with our nation?

Rather than becoming immediately defensive and climbing on the potently divisive political bandwagons, let’s think about how we can approach this situation by asking questions that can help us understand what’s happening in the biggest of pictures.

A great example on the national level is how the peaceful protestors are taking to the streets, firmly standing up about the unacceptability of systematic racism that has enabled the horrific abuse of our citizens of color at the hands of the police.

2. Find the Understandable Part

When our intimate partners act in ways that we think of as “selfish”, “crazy” or “unacceptable” the relationship warrior takes a step back and figures out that no matter how “wrong” the partner’s behavior appears, it had to make sense to them in some way. In other words, the relationship warrior takes a moment to self-soothe, gets curious, and tries to understand their partner’s motives and world view.

As a nation?

We may not agree with each other politically, but if we figure out that at the root of other people’s beliefs is some kind of positive intention that makes sense to them, we can avoid the rush to judge that inflames defensiveness and reactivity. For us to thrive as a nation we need to dampen our defensiveness to be creative and productive.

We need to stay focused on the actual issues and the questions about how we can be helpful. How can we heal as a nation? How can we combat our systematic racism? How can we effectively cope with the coronavirus? How can we make sure that people get access to the health care they need? How do we help businesses that are failing? How can we team up to make the quality of life good for all?

The best relationships operate like democracies. Each partner gets a vote. We need to understand that everybody must count in the biggest of pictures for this country to work. Just like how couples need to consider each other’s wants and needs as being equally important, we as a nation need to look at how the collective good will loom large and help everyone thrive.

3. Commit to Working Together

Reaching across the divide of a couple-conflict can be a good model for reaching across the political aisle.

Relationship warriors know that they need to reassure their partners that they are committed to creating win-wins. Ultimately, over time, things have to work for both, or they will not work at all. When couples get embroiled in repetitive or unproductive arguments, a skilled partner will come into the center and say I” want to work with you, will you work with me?”

If the partner is not responsive to their offer, they won’t make a federal case about it. They won’t go into a rant about their partner’s shortcomings. They will wait until the partner cools down and try again. And if the partner still doesn’t want to cooperate, they will refuse to do business as usual, stay cool and calm, and make their point with persistence and perseverance.

As a country?

We need to think about how we can offer each other assurance that we will seek ways to be constructive and productive. We can start locally. Barack Obama has noted that while most of us focus on the biggest picture in politics–the president and federal government- the level that has the most impact on reforming the police and criminal justice policies, in fact, are the state and local governments. We can reach across the aisles in our towns, cities, and states and let our officials know that we will work with them for the benefit of all.

 

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4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

And in order to effectively communicate, we must master the art of listening. That’s a whole course in itself. I offer tools to couples to train us in how to actively listen to each other. Often, if that is done effectively, fixable issues can be resolved, and the kinds of perpetual conflicts that all couples have can be loosened and softened enough such that the destructive gridlock that destroys connection is averted.

Beyond listening, we also need to identify and explain what is at stake. What that means is that we need to calmly explain to our partner what underlies the issue that makes it so important to us. For example, if I make a big stink over my husband making what he thinks is a relatively minor decision without my input, the issue for me might be that I am worried that he will end up making bigger decisions without me. People who are able to express the reasons why they are upset and what’s at stake in their arguments tend to get better results.

As a collective?

We can listen to what’s at stake for people on the other side of the argument. Just like in relationships, when it comes to politics and policies, people run into trouble when they become defensive and react as opposed to connect and listen deeply. As a nation, we need to listen to the voices of protestors and truly grasp what is at stake for those who have taken to the streets. And it cuts both ways. As hard as it is, we need to listen to the voices of those who we see as the “others” to understanding what is driving their upsets as well.well.

5. Building Bonds by Focusing on the Positive

Couples who thrive spend time and energy building their emotional bonds and fostering shared goals and meaning. Certainly, it is easier to conceive of that in terms of intimate partnerships, but how can we envision building our bonds as a nation?

Here’s a thought. In the wake of the pandemic, we’ve encountered a major threat to our nation. Unfortunately, it has taken an unfair toll on our poor, and people of color, who have suffered disproportionately.

But it is also true, on another level, that the virus has taken the lives of people of all ages and all skin colors, too. Being human makes us susceptible.

And we share this; Every human being wants to survive and thrive. We all want a good outcome for our children.

Being human makes us susceptible.

And we share this; Every human being wants to survive and thrive. We all want a good outcome for our children.

A side note: We must remember, although we tend to think of ourselves as a democracy, our votes don’t quite work that way. If the popular vote, rather than the electoral college, elected the president, we would not have our current administration in power. So, our people as a whole are not as divided as our politics appears. Overall, the picture is more positive. Optimism is brewing. In a recent interview, former President Barack Obama observed that the fact that protestors appear to represent all walks of life is a good sign of our country’s call to action to collectively address the systemic underlying racism that pervades.

Speaking of a call to action, just this week, I participated in a workshop, “Challenging Racial Disparities: A Call to Action” hosted by Rutgers’s School of Social Work. Over one thousand people enrolled. The keynote speaker, Dr. Robin DiAngelo, author of “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism” made it abundantly clear that we have much work to do as a people to not only reverse racism but to become anti-racist. So much of our white privilege is so deeply embedded in our implicit, automatic brain/minds, that we remain largely unconscious of how large this still looms in ourselves and our culture.

But there’s more good news.

We can build the nation’s collective emotional bond by focusing on how wonderfully the vast majority of people behave. It’s true. Most people are good and kind and caring. Throughout the pandemic, many have gone out of their way to help, contributing money, time, and energy. People went out of their way to adopt shelter pets so we could elicit our CARE systems by fostering connections with our four-legged friends. And even before states shut down, most citizens were proactive about sheltering in place. Our frontline heroes have served, and many have lost their lives to protect and care for us.

Unfortunately, when we watch the news, what looms large are the negatives. That is how our brains are wired. It makes sense. Negative information that is potentially threatening is prioritized for survival. It hijacks our attention and activates the defensive emotional systems that make us more reactive and divided. When we get thus triggered, our decision-making gets compromised.

So, What Can We Do to Heal Our Nation?

 

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A post shared by DANIELLE COKE (@ohhappydani) on May 27, 2020 at 1:03pm PDT

For starters, we can choose to put our attention on the more positive aspects of our people, so we can take more positive action.

Then we can get curious about each other’s experiences and think about our collective as a whole- instead of red versus blue — or Democrat versus Republican- or black versus white vs brown.

We can remember at the end of the day that we are all Americans. We have a duty to ourselves and each other to think about the biggest picture.

Let’s take a lesson from effective partners.

We can pay good attention to each other. We can listen to the concerns and the hopes and the fears of the people who are speaking out in the streets. We can listen to the voices of social media without rushing into reaction and judgment and distraction. And last but not least we need to pursue shared meaning. Healing our nation is a goal we can all embrace. There’s much hard work to do. Let’s get it done together.

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