At the same time, we are living in a culture saturated with anger, grievance, and revenge addiction—a very real phenomenon fueled by hate speech, polarization, and outrage-driven media. Add to that the endless barrage of high-stimulation, engagement-maximizing (anti)social media, and it becomes clear: our emotional and nervous systems are under siege.

This is why rebooting our pleasure brains is no longer a luxury—it is an urgent act of self- and collective care. Pleasure is not frivolous. It is regulatory. It is grounding. It is essential for emotional wisdom. That urgency is why I wrote Why Good Sex Matters, and why I’m writing this now.

In this post, I would like to offer some guidance on how to begin pleasure practices that actually stick.

Why Resolutions Fail—and What to Do Instead

Every New Year, we resolve to do better: eat better, drink less, exercise more, work harder—fill in the blanks. I have written previously about how New Year’s resolutions can backfire. We white-knuckle these intentions for weeks or months, then inevitably slide back into old habits. The result? Shame, self-criticism, and a renewed cycle of comfort-seeking to manage the distress of “failing.”

Our internal critics double down: Try harder. Do more. Be better. The result? We land in an exhausting loop of stress begetting distress begetting more frantic doing, which only deepens the problem.

What I’m proposing—for myself and for you—is something radically different.

It’s time to hit the reboot button and prioritize pleasure as a well-being practice—one that feels good and is good for you. I call this healthy hedonism, and it’s the foundation of a new project I’m birthing: The Wellness Collective, devoted to reclaiming pleasure as medicine.

What Pleasure Is (and Isn’t)

When I talk about pleasure, I’m not talking about having more sex, better sex, or even sex at all. I’m not talking about vacations, spa days, or adding more items to an already overloaded to-do list.

I’m not talking about doing.

As I write in Why Good Sex Matters, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that happiness works in the opposite direction than we’re taught. We believe that if we do the right things, we’ll have what we want, and then we’ll finally be happy. But lasting happiness doesn’t come from doing or having—it comes from being. When we cultivate presence, self-connection, and meaning from the inside out, satisfaction follows naturally. The relationship, the job, the house, and the achievements may enrich our lives, but they don’t create happiness. Who we are does.

Pleasure, at its core, is about being.

Being present is a skill that can be cultivated. Being present, with the willingness to accept what is happening in reality without fighting it, denying it, or resisting it, is called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the active ingredient in all mindfulness practices and is well worth exploring. This involves being present to your thoughts, feelings, moods, and challenges. (Tolerating and navigating big feelings can become easier with some tools.) Being present with your parents, children, partners, friends, colleagues, and neighbors fosters true connection. Pleasure arises from being connected to your senses, your body, and to others—not just living in your head.

Pleasure is also about being in your truth—about authenticity. Years ago, I read the Radical Honesty series by Brad Blanton, which argues that one of the greatest threats to mental health is our habit of withholding our truths from ourselves and each other.

Simple Pleasure Practices That Matter

Be here now.

Take a shower. Eat a meal. Walk outside and actually be there. Turn off your phone and turn on your senses—your eyes, ears, skin, breath, and body.

Be authentic.

Speak your truth while remembering that your truth in this moment is not The Truth—and that it will likely change over time. We often withhold honesty to protect others, avoid discomfort, manipulate outcomes, or maintain control. The cost is disconnection—from ourselves and from those we care about most. When we allow ourselves to ventilate our thoughts, feelings, judgments, and interpretations, we often release resentment, fear, anger, and shame. As Blanton notes, what we often fear more than the pain of disconnection is the intensity of pleasure and freedom that comes from being fully expressed, fully seen, and deeply connected.

Be willing to take relational risks.

You can be both kind and truthful. And if honesty hurts someone’s feelings, be willing to stay—stay present, stay connected, stay engaged. That’s where real intimacy and pleasure live.

In Closing

This New Year, I invite you to move away from do-have-be and toward be-have-do. Let yourself feel your big feelings and share them. Keep things simple. Go back to nature. Spend time inhabiting your body and living your truth.

So, who’s up for the challenge?

Key Points

Pleasure is not a reward for a life well-lived. It is the foundation that makes a life well-lived possible.

Chronic stress and cultural overload dysregulate the brain—pleasure helps restore balance and resilience.

Sustainable well-being comes from being, not doing—presence and acceptance change the brain.

Authenticity and relational risk foster connection, intimacy, and genuine pleasure.

The post How to Reboot Your Pleasure Brain for the New Year: And Why This Is Both Important and Urgent appeared first on Nan Wise.

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In my last post, inspired by the Netflix documentary about Phil Stutz, author of The Tools, I wrote about how harnessing attention on new ways of “being,” (being your most social self), rather than “doing” (certain things to get desired results), in conjunction with practicing radical acceptance, can greatly enhance our capacity for happiness.

The challenge for most is how to practice radical acceptance of what is, when what is, is painful

Tolerating feelings (especially the hard ones) can be a pathway to pleasure

Understanding the symbiotic relationship between pain and pleasure can help us tolerate and embrace all of our emotions. This is key to enhancing our capacity to experience pleasures in the moment and happiness over the long haul.

The relationship between pain and pleasure

Much of our understanding of what enables us to experience pleasure counterintuitively comes from the more abundant research into pain. When we investigate the brain correlates of pleasure more closely, we discover that the pathways for pleasure and pain are closely intertwined.

This interdependent relationship between pleasure and pain is part of our survival network. We are designed to feel them both viscerally. Pleasure and pain, interconnected in the brain, function as signals that get our attention, prompting us to approach things to fulfill our needs as well as to avoid potential harm. When these signals get disrupted, we feel depressed, vulnerable, anxious, and out of sorts—all symptoms of anhedonia, which is the inability to feel satisfying pleasure. When we avoid our painful feelings, we can end up becoming emotionally blunted, with little capacity for joy.

All mammals have built-in pain pathways designed to pick up on painful stimuli and respond by releasing pain-relieving chemicals. These built-in pain inhibitory mechanisms stimulate brain regions that release key internal opioids (endorphins and enkephalins) that make us feel good. Pain functions as survival information, with its own direct line to the brain signaling us to fight, flee or freeze. These wired-in pain-relief mechanisms are the source of our internally produced pleasure chemicals.

In my research on genital stimulation and orgasm, both activated the “pain circuits.” This observed activation of the pain-pleasure pathway provides clear evidence of the biological roots of the pain-relieving effects of genital stimulation. Indeed, this is one way our internal opioids help regulate pain in childbirth when certain neurochemicals are released to buffer what might otherwise be even more painful.

Our culture shapes us to avoid pain at all costs

Further exacerbating this connection between pain and pleasure is our difficulty with tolerating any measure of negative feelings. At the first sign of pain, we take an aspirin. At the first sign of emotional discomfort, we may be encouraged to take an antidepressant. In fact, as a culture, we are told not to feel too much of anything! Ironically, this attitude about pain and discomfort points to a profound misconception about how we experience pleasure.

In the popular book, Big Feelings, author Liz Foddlein proposes that we embrace the pain of anxiety associated with uncertainty, and, in so doing, transform it into an energizing part of the adventure of life.

When we avoid pain, we are also learning to avoid pleasure. We shut down emotionally as well as physically. For example, though we may lose a pet and mourn the loss, most people eventually want the pleasure of another pet. Those people whose intolerance for pain is too much will avoid these feelings entirely by refusing to get another pet.

Paying attention to sensations in our body is a route to reversing anhedonia

If you are trapped in pleasure-seeking mode all the time and trying to avoid discomfort or emotional pain, the result will be that your experience of pleasure will also be diluted and numbed. In other words, we need to feel both pain and pleasure to keep our brain and body in balance. The avoidance of feeling pain or pleasure is strikingly obvious when clients first show up for therapy and seem disconnected from the awareness of the sensations in their bodies. It is hard to get them to even respond to the simple question, “What are you noticing in your body as we discuss this issue?” Their blank stares in reaction to my query speak volumes.

My life’s work has taught me that the ability to notice, experience, and tolerate the sensations in the body that accompany the thoughts in the mind is critical to empowering wholeness and well-being. We dwell so much in our (often negative) thoughts and interpretations, strivings, and expectations that we register very little of what is actually happening in the body. When we do attend to our body, we often get caught up in wanting it to be different instead of appreciating what is. When signals from the body are interrupted, the result is that there is no result. No response, no stirring of the imagination. No tingling, no desire. This is the state many of my clients find themselves in, having lost their capacity for pleasure.

How do we get back on the path to pleasure? We need a road map.

In her bestselling book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke offers one. “Immerse yourself in the life you’ve been given, stop running away from whatever it is you’re avoiding, turn and face it. Now walk toward it.”

And we need tools, too. In my book, Why Good Sex Matters, I explain how learning about our core emotions, identifying sensations in the body, and consciously experiencing them more fully in the moment with curiosity, tolerance, and self-love can increase the frequency of pleasurable feelings that are good for us and make our lives happier, more balanced, and more enjoyable.

It is a helpful cure for anhedonia, and what a great map for moving beyond the victimhood of the past and into an empowered and exciting present time wherein healthy pleasure is a possibility.

References

Wise, N. J., Frangos, E., & Komisaruk, B. R. (2017). Brain activity unique to orgasm in women: An fMRI analysis. The journal of sexual medicine, 14(11), 1380-1391.

Wise, N. (2020). Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-filled Life. Houghton Mifflin.

Lembke, A. (2021). Dopamine nation: Finding balance in the age of indulgence. Penguin.

The post Neuroscience Hacks: The Healing Power of Pleasure appeared first on Nan Wise.

What Are the Core Emotions?

We humans, just like other mammals, are born with emotional operating systems or “instincts” that are hard-wired into the evolutionarily oldest parts of the brain, what I affectionately call the “brain’s basement.”

How Do We Know About These Systems?

The late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp, through decades of meticulous experimental work, established that all mammals have seven distinct circuits buried in the deep, ancient parts of the brain—which, when experimentally stimulated, evoke specific emotions (responses that get us to move into the world) to meet our needs. These core emotional systems—SEEKING, FEAR, RAGE, PANIC/GRIEF, LUST, CARE, and PLAY—serve as the “primary colors” of our basic emotions, which, in concert with the higher brain regions, drive our emotional lives.

A Very Brief Introduction to The Core Emotions

The predominant system is called the SEEKING system (as it is designed to motivate us to find that which we need). As such, it also helps to regulate the other systems, which fall into two categories that are about ensuring our survival: the defensive emotions (FEAR, ANGER, PANIC/GRIEF) and the social emotions (LUST, CARE, and PLAY). Together these seven core emotional states are wired into our human DNA.

SEEKING = Motivation

To survive, we must automatically seek what we need. This is true of food, air, water, safety, love, companionship, and sex. Pleasure is embedded into these basic survival needs. As such, the experience of SEEKING can be highly pleasurable under the right conditions. However, when we get stuck in the SEEKING system, which is powered by dopamine, we can start looking for the right things in all the wrong places! We get hijacked. Sound familiar?

The Defensive Systems

FEAR = Scared

We are born with an innate fear response designed to protect us from danger. All vertebrates have evolutionarily encoded the ability to recognize external threats that reliably cause pain or predict danger. For humans, our FEAR system is relatively flexible. Other than being innately afraid of pain and evolutionarily based tendencies such as fear of heights, snakes, and spiders, we learn to fear other things through our experience. But what is clear is that all mammals are exquisitely wired to quickly and robustly learn to respond to a vast array of stimuli that predict dangerous stuff —stuff we indeed come to FEAR.

RAGE = Angry

A balanced RAGE system is associated with appropriately being able to de‐ fend against threats. It also allows us to take appropriate stands when angered that are constructive and facilitates the resolution of conflicts.

An overactive RAGE system can cause a hair-trigger temper and high hostility levels, compromising our ability to enjoy life. An underactive RAGE system can interfere with our ability to set boundaries and stand up for our needs.

PANIC/GRIEF = Anxious/Sad

This system contributes to protecting our “life-sustaining social bonds” and is built into our brains to protect us by keeping us close to significant relationships and resources that are critical to physical survival and emotional “thrival.” Built in to keep us connected to others—essential for a social animal—this system gets triggered when we lose a loved one. It is the source of our grief and the neural substrate of heartbreak.

The Social Emotions

CARE = Love

Powered by our own internal opioids, a balanced CARE system is associated with feelings of well-being and security in relationships. Those with balanced CARE systems will have at least one or two close, reliable sources of support and regularly engage in social activities. They can love those closest to them without needing to control them. They are also in touch with the capacity to self-love and practice self-care.

An overactive CARE system typically shows up as an inability to comfort yourself because you are overly attuned to others. When this system is underactive, it can hamper the ability to nurture or form lasting social bonds.

PLAY = Joy

PLAY is the joyful occupation of all young mammals (and some other lucky critters, too). Play is how we learn to explore and experiment with ourselves, each other, and the world and learn how to socialize. The PLAY system tends to be highly developed in the young but begins to ebb for many adults.

A balanced PLAY system is indicated by an adult who has a good sense of humor, continues to know how to relax and have fun, how to amuse oneself, has hobbies or interests, and otherwise enjoys the zany aspects of life.

When PLAY is overactive in adults, it can manifest as the refusal to engage in mature adult behaviors—the perpetual Peter Pans.

The PLAY system can only be expressed when the person feels safe, whether it be an adult or a child.

LUST = The Urge to Merge

Mother nature has enduringly wired all animals with a primary urge to merge. On one level, it appears to be about the survival of the species, but it goes deeper. Our sexuality creates connections that enhance our relationships and bond us deeply.

When the LUST system is in balance, we experience a desire for sex and satisfaction when we have it. We feel comfortable with our desire level and are open to exploring ways to experience pleasure. An overactive LUST system typically shows up as some form of out-of-control, compulsive, inappropriate, or harmful sexual behavior. An underactive LUST system usually shows up as a lack of sexual desire.

In Conclusion

Balancing SEEKING + CARE + PLAY + LUST = Big fun in and out of the bedroom

The ability to experience pleasure is not a luxury. It is a necessity for a well-balanced emotional brain. Forget about the sex drive. Focus on getting back your pleasure drive. This is the first step to reclaiming a life worth living and loving. Stay tuned for more about why core emotions matter and how to balance them.

The post Lost Your Sex Drive? Not Sexually Satisfied? (Here’s what you need to know about core emotions) appeared first on Nan Wise.

The story of NXIVM is a teaching moment for us all.

Those of you unfamiliar with the NXIVM cult probably haven’t been paying much attention to the news. The cult founder, Keith Raniere, and his protege, actress Allison Mack were indicted in 2018 on federal charges of sex trafficking. Five others, including the heiress to the Seagram fortune, Clare Bronfman, who bankrolled the evil shenanigans, have pleaded guilty to a host of crimes associated with their involvement in the cult. If you managed to miss those details as they unfolded,  recent media productions such as The Vow on HBO and the upcoming docuseries, Seduced: Inside The NXIVM Cult are giving us a very sobering look at the long and harrowing journey that led to the crash and burn of the cult, as well as the wrenching collateral damage inflicted on those who Raniere enrolled along the way.

As an aside, I had the privilege of participating in the filming of Seduced. In my role as a sex therapist, I was called upon to do an onscreen session with the subject of the documentary, India Oxenberg, to help her continue the process of healing from her ordeal.  India is one of the loveliest human beings I’ve ever met. She’s kind, friendly, and a genuinely down-to-earth person, in spite of being raised by Hollywood royalty, and even being related to real royalty– her mother, actress Catherine Oxenberg is the daughter of the Princess of Yugoslavia. It’s incredibly hard to imagine such a gentle human being getting wrapped up in what turned out to be such a dark debacle.

And India was not alone in being enrolled in Raniere’s insanity.

The question becomes: how can so many smart, savvy, and sophisticated people get bamboozled into participating in what ended up becoming a veritable nightmare for both the men and women at the effect of the leader’s lunacy?

And secondly, what can we all learn from their experience?

Let’s start with some myth-busting

Myth #1 Only certain people are susceptible to cults as they prey on the weak and the wacky

Fact:  Everyone is susceptible to cult conversions.

Cult leaders and recruiters tend to go after the best and brightest in society. Cults manipulate by appealing to our desire to grow and create a better world for others. Cults prey on the heartfelt desires of decent honest human beings. Cults don’t always start out looking like cults. Over time, the dark side emerges and through a process of immersion, like the veritable frog in water that heats up slowly and over time, the individual is subjected to mind control and the breaking down of personal power until they are indoctrinated and have “imbibed” the Kool-Aid.

Two factors, however, can make individuals particularly susceptible; depression and being in transitional periods. That sure describes a whole lot of us

Myth #2 There can be consensual sex between cult leaders and followers.

Fact: By definition, a cult involves a huge power disparity between the leader and followers. And this disparity makes it impossible for the followers to actually give true consent to sex. This makes sexual involvement with the leader potentially deleterious and damaging for the member.  It is important to take note that in any situation in which there is such a power disparity, true consent is not possible.

Myth #3. Sexual abuse is unusual in most cults

Fact:  Sexual abuse of women is quite common in cults.  It is hard to find present-day statistics on this, but previous and very conservative estimates have indicated that as many as 40% of women in cults are abused, dominated, controlled, and otherwise sexually exploited.

This might seem surprising, but at the same time, think about how many women in everyday life have reported experiencing some form of sexual trauma, abuse, exploitation, or harassment. One need look no further than the Me Too movement.  And my own clinical experience, although not a random sample, has indicated that many women have experienced some sexual harassment or abuse along the way.  Whether it’s being manhandled by a friend of the family, or groped at a party, or date-raped, many women, unfortunately, have histories of sexual distress or trauma.

 Why is sexual abuse (in and out of cults) so sadly prevalent?

Short answer? In our culture, there remains a deeply embedded structural sexism that tolerates the covert and overt misogyny and sexual inequality that shows up in our everyday lives. One does not have to look further than a certain president of the United States who was heard on camera talking about grabbing women by their genitalia. This man was elected president.

This institutionalized sexism is what makes women in particular susceptible to leaders who exploit the fact that females in our culture are not equally valued as a result of rigid and outdated traditional gender roles that are disempowering.

And finally, what can we learn from all of this?

The dark side of sex is essentially a product of our keeping sexuality in the dark and not embracing, appreciating, and celebrating our sexual selves. As I write in my book, Why Good Sex Matters, our capacity for pleasure– in and out of the bedroom– is not a luxury, but a necessity for a well-balanced emotional brain and healthy life. When women take a stand for their own sexual healing and embrace sexual pleasure, we’re taking stands for all women. Although each woman’s journey is different, speaking up and accepting the support and love of family and friends– with a bit of help from an experienced therapist-can make all the difference.

Bottom Line?

Men and women need to stand together to create a culture of equality in which our sexual lives connect us deeply with ourselves and each other.

The post The Dark Side of Sexuality: What cults like NXIVM can teach us about ourselves appeared first on Nan Wise.

Remember, neurons that fire together wire together. We can turn up the volume on our genital sensations if we lay down and strengthen those pathways over and over.

This exercise offers you a way to increase your ability to access sensations in your genitals, which will then make it easier to access sexual pleasure. Based on my research, I came up with this exercise after studying the difference between imagined touch and actual physical touch of the genitals

1. Find a comfortable place where you’re not going to be disturbed. Wear comfortable clothes that allow an all-access-pass to your private parts. Put on some nice music and perhaps light a candle. Remember this is time to simply experience your sensations — the intention is not to orgasm.
2.  If you’re a woman, begin by rhythmically tapping/stroking your clitoris. Concentrate on how your fingers feel as they experience the sensations of touch as you touch yourself — and then widen your sensory awareness to also include how your clitoris feels receiving the touch.
3.  If you happen to have a penis, you can rhythmically tap/ stroke stimulate any place on your penis and likewise concentrate on how your fingers feel as they experience the sensations of touch as you touch yourself — and then widen your sensory awareness to also include how your genitals feel receiving the touch.
4. As you rhythmically tap or stroke your genitals, simply register the good or pleasant feelings; this is not intended to be erotic.
5. After about five minutes of tapping, rest a minute or two, and notice any sensations that linger post-touch. We tend to not pay keen attention to the full range of our sensations — how they register or ramp up or ramp down. Really tuning into the subtlest of sensations as they build up or release is a good practice to tune into our ability to register sensations.
6. Now, it’s time to tune into your imagination. For the next minute or two just think about touching your genitals in the same exact way you just did in the first part of the exercise. Tune into the experience — and don’t worry if you don’t seem to actually “feel” sensations from the genitals by just thinking about them. Focus on the imagined experience.
7. Continue by interspersing rounds of actual touch stimulation with rounds of imagined stimulation and simply pay attention to all of your sensations. The key here is repetition. The more you go back and forth between rounds of touch and rounds of imagined touch, the more you will prime the power of imagination to access sensations.

 

Again, this exercise is not meant to lead to an orgasm here or even turn you on. It’s designed to teach you how to focus on experiencing sensations from the body both from touching and then imagining touch. You can also do the same with your nipple (whether you are a man or woman), as my research has shown that the nipple also paves a pathway to the place where genital sensations land! You can also practice touching any part of your body (lips, neck, inner thighs, etc.) that you might experience as pleasurable and sensual.

Relax and enjoy.  Remember pleasure is not a luxury.  It’s a necessity for wellbeing.

 

The post Good Sex Tool: Touch Plus Imagery appeared first on Nan Wise.

According to a survey from the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, sex that lasts between 7 and 13 minutes is considered to be desirable. The same study also found that the average vaginal intercourse lasted between 3 to 7 minutes.

But sex is about more than intercourse. It’s about the buildup, the connection between partners, and exploring ways to keep the romantic fires burning.

How Taking Things Slow, Trying New Things and Enjoying the Moment Can Lead to Longer, Better Sex

In this article, we’ll explore all the best ways to last longer in bed, including edging, one of the most popular forms of orgasm control.

What is Edging?

Edging is the practice of bringing you or your partner close to orgasm (to the “edge” of the orgasm, so to speak), and then delaying the final release. Sometimes this process is repeated multiple times in a row: bringing the partner right to the cusp, and then backing off. In some cases, there is a power dynamic at work: the person getting edged cannot orgasm until their partner gives them permission.

By repeatedly delaying the orgasm, you’re making the climax even more satisfying when it eventually arrives. It may take a while to get there, but it’s absolutely worth the wait.

You’re also introducing some BDSM principles when you practice edging. The dominant party takes control over the submissive party’s orgasm, which can add some thrilling new elements so your sexual relationship. If you’re looking to explore the dominant/submissive element of BDSM, edging (especially when paired with handcuffs) is a great place to start.

Related: Exploring New Sexual Frontiers With BDSM

Edging is also good practice for delaying an orgasm while having intercourse. Edging can teach men how to remain at lower levels of arousal for longer periods of time. Instead of sprinting straight to the orgasm as soon as he starts to feel it, edging can teach him how to enjoy taking his time to get there.

Edging can also be employed during masturbation. As soon as you begin to approach climax, stop, wait, and begin again. The more experienced you are with staying close to orgasm without going over the “edge”, the longer the sex can last.

How to Last Longer in Bed for Men: More Options for Orgasm Control

Of course, edging isn’t the only way to control orgasms. If you’re wondering how to last longer in bed, here are some other tactics for a longer, more satisfying sexual experience.

Foreplay

Make the night last longer by having more fun with foreplay. You can help build up the sexual tension by making out, giving each other massages, or by performing a sexy striptease! Whatever helps build up the anticipation.

Use Toys

Using toys is a great way to enhance your sexual relationship. You can extend the pleasure through the use of vibrators, handcuffs, feathers, and different types of BDSM toys. Heat things up literally with the use of a massage candle, which burns at a lower temperature than standard candles so you can seductively drip some wax on your partner without any painful burns.

Ask Him to Masturbate Beforehand

via GIPHY

Not right beforehand, but maybe an hour or two ahead of time. If he’s orgasmed earlier, it will take him longer to reach climax a second time.

Experiment

Try some new positions! If you normally go with the same one of two positions, try something entirely different. Getting creative with sex makes everything more exciting and unique. One study found that couples who experiment in bed report more satisfaction in the relationship and their sex lives.

Exercise

Certain physical exercises can help strengthen the muscles that lead to improved stamina in bed. Your man can work on pilates, yoga, and Kegel (yes, men can do Kegel, too) to strengthen their pelvic floor, which can improve orgasm control.

Consult A Doctor

If nothing is working, then this could be something that medication could fix. A urologist can perform tests to determine if this is a medical issue. Make sure you’re seeking a reputable doctor and not taking any chances on sketchy treatments.

Move Slower

To make sex last longer, move slower. Work on finding a rhythm. There’s a time to slow down, and a time to ramp up the energy. Spend more time with slowly movements, and speed up gradually. Don’t go full speed the whole time.

Concentrate on Your Partner

via GIPHY

Sometimes men orgasm too quickly because they’re focused solely on their own satisfaction. By focusing on his partner instead, he’s likely to last much longer.

Help Him Practice Mindfulness

Sometimes if men allow themselves to be distracted by their fantasies, it can lead to a faster climax. Instead, get your man back to reality. Have him make direct eye contact, focus on breathing, and truly enjoy every moment. Being in the moment can slow things down and make the night last longer.

Cock Ring

A cock ring is a sex toy for men that is intended to keep the blood flow in the penis, leading to longer, harder erections. Some men find that using a cock ring makes their penis feel numb, which means they can last longer in bed.

A More Satisfying Sex Life Means a More Fulfilling Relationship

By making your sexual encounters last longer through orgasm control, you’re strengthening the romantic bond between you and your partner. Edging is one way to build upon and enhance your sex life, but there are plenty of toys and tricks you can use to turn minutes of pleasure into hours of ecstasy.

The post Master Edging and Orgasm Control And Ways Your Man Can Last Longer In Bed appeared first on Nan Wise.

Here’s the secret: The biggest issue that stalls a sex life after the honeymoon glow of new relationship energy (NRE) wears off boils down to one basic problem: a simple difference in libido.

What I mean by libido is way more complicated than a high or low sex drive. In a recent column I wrote for Glamour, I explained that sexual desire comes in different forms. We can have active desire, when we feel “horny” and have the urge to merge. Increasing your active desire can be as simple as whipping out a vibrator and tuning into your own arousal. But there’s also responsive desire, which lurks below the surface and can be jump-started by romantic wooing or physical stimulation.

Your Sex Drive & Lover Personality

Beyond active and responsive desire, there’s another important factor that shapes our libidos. I call this our unique erotic “love styles,” which include both what turns us on and how we like to have sex. It’s important to honor your own erotic love style while respecting your partner’s. The key to this is understanding how your styles intersect. Think of it like your sex drive horoscope—some love styles mesh easily, while others might seem mismatched.

Understanding your partner’s needs and wants as well as your own can empower ways to build bridges between different styles and provide good fuel to keep your sex drive alive.

Over 30 years of working with couples, I’ve identified seven main love styles. You may find yourself in more than category, depending on your mood or current situation.

The Soulful Lover

Likes eye gazing, romance, and tender lovemaking. They’re the touchy-feely type of lover, enjoying contact and closeness above all. Soulful Lovers tend to be allergic to partners who are more fixated on intensity. For the Soulful Lover, wild and crazy sex may be less satisfying than sex that’s primarily about connection.

The Rough-and-Tumble Lover

Feels it isn’t sex unless some furniture goes flying. They tend to have high set points of active desire, which makes them a bit on the randy side. Because sex for them is more like an athletic event, they don’t often mesh well with a Soulful Lover, who needs things gentle, warm, and fuzzy.

The Needy Lover

Is needy in general, not just in terms of sex. Because they focus on their own experience, their partners might feel “used” as a form of stress relief. The Giver (see below) and the Soulful Lover might not mind fulfilling this function if the needy partner stays present and isn’t just concerned about getting his or her rocks off. A Rough-and-Tumble hot sex lover might enjoy this kind of partner because the Needy Lover’s need to connect might make them willing to dial up the intensity of sex as a sport.

The Giver

Gets turned on by giving their partners pleasure. Their turn-on is literally the partner’s turn-on. These lovers can be an absolute delight for individuals with tons of turn-ons to share. These people aren’t going to mesh well with lovers who have trouble with arousal or generally low levels of spontaneous or responsive desire. And having two Givers as partners might end up as an impasse while each awaits the other’s turn-on.

The Anxious Lover

Can be so incapacitated by performance anxiety that self-consciousness squashes sexual desire period. This proves to be more of a problem for men since they’re often expected to initiate sex and perform. As the NRE bump declines, the Anxious Lover feels loss when their partner may not be so insistent in pursuing them. The self-doubt, worry, and self-consciousness tend to build, making them a tough match for any but the most patient Soulful Lover or most enthusiastic Explorer (see below).

The Low Sex Driver

Typically has a low baseline of desire—regardless of circumstances. NRE may bump up sexual appetite, which makes for a satisfying honeymoon period. If the Low Sex Driver gets into a long-term relationship with an individual with a high sex drive (like the Explorer, see below), the responsive sex drive in the Low Sex Driver might be sufficient to keep the sex life alive. Otherwise, this kind of person is a tough match for any other erotic love style except of course another Low Sex Driver.

The Explorer

Is someone unconstrained by norms and not only willing to explore sexuality in all sorts of ways but often requiring intensity and novelty. Some may think of Explorers as “kinky.” The Explorer is simply someone who enjoys tons of new sex activities as play and experimentation. Explorers can range from the toe dipper to the major full-tilt arctic adventurer. They may not mesh well with Soulful Lovers, who need sex to be gentle and predictable, or Anxious Lovers, who find it all too scary. To see where you and your partner may fit, take my quiz here!

So what do you do when erotic love styles seem to clash?

1. Don’t panic. Take a deep breath and see this as an opportunity for figuring out what works for each of you.
2. Don’t be afraid to get vulnerable. In my book, Why Good Sex Matters, I devote a whole chapter to learning how to cultivate ongoing long-term sexual potential with partners. This comes from leaning into the edges of what feels scary and prioritizing communication in which we take big risks in being authentic, exploring needs, wants, fears and fantasies. Aligning your libido with your partners is often about sharing your most intimate selves.
3. Prioritize your pleasure. And last but not least, remember: Pleasure is not a luxury. It is a necessity for a well- balanced emotional life. Make exploring your erotic style a priority and cultivate healthy hedonism—pleasures that feel good and are good for us.

The post How to Handle Mismatched Lover Personalities? appeared first on Nan Wise.

Before coronavirus, what was the state of our wellbeing?   For starters, we haven’t exactly been thriving. If we’re being honest our overall wellbeing wasn’t great going into this challenge.

As I’ve written in my book, Why Good Sex Matters; Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life, we’ve already been suffering from a plague of stress-related physical and mental disorders.

Before the coronavirus, people were more anxious and depressed than ever. In fact, depression had become the number one cause of illness and disability worldwide. Topping it off, our sex lives have been in a deep recession.

The coronavirus pandemic provides us with the opportunity for a big wake -up call   We simply cannot continue doing our business status quo. Literally and figuratively.

Our Repetitive Habits Are Running Our Lives

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It’s fair to say we’ve been bogged down by habits. We wake up to a cup of coffee consumed while we stare into devices. We exist in a blurred buzz of continuously divided attention scattered across the day. Throughout the daze, we remain plugged in. And this comes at a cost. According to the Psychological Association’s poll, remaining on perpetual standby as we await the next notification, beep, text, message, or call has been associated with significantly higher levels of stress.

Even as we run around like chickens without a head, we’re moving our bodies less than ever. We are sedentary. We eat more food than we need. Evidence? 71.6% of Americans over the age of 20 are overweight. And we’re having less sex than ever. The General Social Survey (2018), a representative survey of Americans over 18 years of age, reported that a whopping 23% of adults had no sex in the previous year.

As difficult as this coronavirus challenge is –and it is indeed scary to be encountering the single biggest health challenge of our lifetime–perhaps of any lifetime- it presents us with an opportunity to take inventory.   The potential of being infected with this virus should be stopping us dead in our tracks.

This is how we can actively cope to limit it’s spread. When forced to interrupt our everyday habits by staying home, we can seize this opportunity to re-evaluate how we conduct our lives. It’s a good time to intentionally change things up. But can we? Will we be too stressed out by coronavirus cabin fever?

Coping with Coronavirus Cabin Fever at Home? Here are my Tips!

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There’s been a whole lot of discussion about the potential of us going nuts from being on lockdown. How will we cope with staying home, possibly for months to come? What about the dangers of cabin fever?

For starters, what is cabin fever?

It’s a folk term, not a psychological diagnosis. The first mention of the malady goes back to North America in the early 1900s when people were trapped in small cabins in severe winter weather. Cabin fever was synonymous with isolation and claustrophobia. It has historically plagued people on expeditions and polar researchers cooped up for months at a time without contact with the outside world. Under the influence of cabin fever people were known to go “stir crazy” and bonkers.

What Characterizes Cabin Fever?

Symptoms included “dissatisfaction at home, restlessness, boredom, irritability, and needing to break routine”. Kind of sounds like the average teenager on the weekend, no?

How Did Folks Cope?

The most common strategies involved a change of scene. When not physically possible, this change could be psychological. Escaping with a good book or by digging into a hobby could be helpful. How we frame things makes a huge difference. If we consider staying home as a way that we can help ourselves and each other, that’s active coping, not passive confinement.

Labeling the Condition Seemed Useful

It was said that simply acknowledging that people got cabin fever helped. It allowed the sufferers to understand their symptoms as a reaction to the circumstances of isolation and gave them a sense of control. Knowledge is power. So, let’s dig in.

How does the coronavirus challenge differ from cabin fever? For starters, we are not stuck in the house.

Fortunately, the coronavirus challenge comes at a time when the weather is improving, and it is indeed safe to be outdoors in fresh air and sun as long as we keep our distance from each other. Fresh air and sunlight are exactly what we need to counter claustrophobia and reduce our anxiety and distress. Most of us simply don’t spend enough time outside. In fact, we spend upwards of 90% of our lives indoors.

One of the main issues driving our baseline poor moods and perpetual sleep problems is that we simply don’t get enough natural sunlight. When we go outside, natural sunlight finds its way from the back of the eye (via the retinohypothalamic pathway) to the hypothalamus and then onto the pineal gland. This light source is what regulates our circadian rhythms which are physical, mental and behavioral changes that impact sleep-wake cycles, hormone release, mood regulation, eating habits, digestion, and body temperature.

This lack of sunlight no doubt contributes to a cascade of health issues ranging from sleep disorders to obesity to depression to diabetes and lord knows what else.

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It’s no surprise that we are massively messed up from this lack of natural light which is critical to the proper functioning of our brain/bodies. And another point, we are anything but isolated (unless we choose to be!).

Cabin fever was predicated on isolation. Alone in the woods surrounded by snow and ice.   Coronavirus version? Yes, we will need to stay at home for as long as it takes. But even those of us who live alone, are we truly isolated?

Isolation is often a function of being so plugged into our devices that we remain alone in a room full of people. Watching people out in the world, I was always astounded by the number of people walking the streets with eyeballs glues to their phones.

People no longer chat at the gym or while in an elevator. The casual yet nourishing conversations with strangers at bus stops or cafes of yesteryear have been replaced by the iPhone wearing urbanites equipped with newfangled blue tooth headsets engaged in remote activities in a kind of parallel play, side by side.

In reality, there are tons of ways that we can stay truly connected. We can do it IRL with people in the room. We can do it remotely through a plethora of free virtual modalities that give us the astounding ability to meet if not flesh to flesh, but face to face with just about anyone fortunate to own a phone or computer.

Isolation these days is a state of mind. We can intentionally connect with others in a way that is satisfying if we pay attention to people and use our devices to actually talk to each other.

Current Coronavirus Challenge: Operating our Wired-in Emotional Systems

Understanding how our emotional brains are wired will help us manage the coronavirus challenge more effectively.   As I discuss in my book, we have seven core emotional systems wired into our mammalian brains. These systems were designed to drive us to fulfill our needs and stay away from dangers.

The 7 Core Emotional Systems

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The SEEKING system, which is the predominant system, manages and regulates the other systems. Our SEEKING systems are powered by the neurotransmitter dopamine. This is the system that drives our attention, keeps us focused on what we pursue. It is also the system that can get hijacked by our devices and chasing the buzz rather than finding true satisfaction with and through our connections.

The other systems fall into two categories: the defensive emotions (FEAR, RAGE, PANIC/GRIEF), which protect our survival by cueing us about potential threats or danger from outside ourselves; and the affiliative emotions (LUST, CARE, PLAY), which ensure our survival by driving us to connect through relationships with people (a reminder that we cannot survive alone). Together these seven core emotional states are wired into our human DNA.

As you might imagine, the coronavirus challenge is something that will tweak our defensive systems as we are triggered into fear, rage or panic.

As our the more affiliative emotions are critical to our maintaining good mental and physical health during times of stress, maximizing our ability to connect through care, play and lust can feel good and be good for us. In other words, healthy forms of pleasure or “hedonism” are not a luxury during times of crisis, but a necessity for our ongoing physical and emotional wellbeing.

Here’s My Starter Schedule To Habit Bust Your Day

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1. Wake up and drink your coffee/tea while talking to another person, preferably one in the room. Leave your phone, TV, and other devices off for at least the first half-hour you are awake. This will keep your SEEKING system from getting hijacked by too much information and will let you set the tone for the day.
   • If you live alone, FaceTime or WhatsApp another actual human being and start by discussing how you are managing your new lifestyle. Make good use of your SEEKING system to seek connection.
2. Walk outside for 15 minutes at least two times per day.
   • If you can’t walk outside go by a window and jog in place until you feel a bit sweaty. If you can’t jog in place, walk in place. If you can’t walk in place, sit by the window and chair dance.
3. After the first round of walking, sit down for your executive decision-making time.
   • A helpful strategy involves creating a time management matrix that lets you ponder what tasks are both urgent and important, what is urgent but not so important, what is important but not so urgent, and what is neither.
   • Creating a structure for your day fosters a sense of personal control and mastery. Make sure to schedule something purposeful and something pleasurable. Extra points if you can find an activity that is both.
4. Eat more simply. And don’t eat alone or while watching TV.
   • When we simplify our meals (and we could all use to eat fewer calories overall), we get an opportunity to savor the act of eating. And eat with someone else. If you are living alone, arrange to eat virtually with a pal. Meals shared are more nourishing.
5. Create a new “normal”.
   • Living with the uncertainty of how and for how long this virus will affect us is not easy for us humans.
   • One way to create a new normal is to set up a regular daily meeting with your friends/family to create a new habit of connection and intentionality.
   • You can take turns listening to each other. You can complain, discharge distress, or share your high points and low points of the day.
   • You can set goals, ask for help, and otherwise share the experience. One fun way to do this is a group chat via FaceTime or WhatsApp
6. And last but not least: Remember that we human beings are resilient, adaptable, and resourceful.
   • We can and will deal with this challenge.
   • We can and will rise to the occasion of being the cooperative, kind, and empathic creatures that we are capable of being.

It all starts with managing our fear and eliciting our ability to calm ourselves with and through our social connections. We are in this together. Let’s do this!   If you enjoyed this article, I’d love to hear from you! DM or comment on my IG or FB if you have any other concerns or questions. I’m here for you. ????

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