Our situation is exactly the same… only I am the one rejected and sexually frustrated. I am a female and I firmly believe sex is an important part of a relationship/marriage. We have been married 6 months and maybe had sex 4 times. It’s making me miserable and resentful and nothing I could say or do turns him on. He won’t talk to me about it and it’s one excuse after another. We no longer even sleep in the same room. I have never in my life felt rejected until now and cry myself to sleep every night.

Hi. I would like to say thank you for this. I have been struggling with understanding men’s feelings and reactions forever. I have been called cold and immotionless for not being Tuned in to his feelings… Funny huh how the tables have turned. Yes I am a woman. Yes I am driven and yes that means I find him sexier in a Boardroom than at a family gathering.

But during this Pandemic business has been really slow and he has become irritable, distant and because of an earlier indiscression on my part (Don’t judge) really ticked off at everything.

We are talking we are working through it and the sex is great! Sometimes 3 – 5 times a day. But he still wants more… So that’s what he will get.

I just didn’t see how much it really meant. I thought he just had a huge drive. But I get it now… He wants me to make him the center of my universe sexually.

May I just say that men are way more complicated than they look… Geeeeeesss word to the wise guys just talk tell us exactly what you want and when. Especially if you are dating a woman that had no male influence in her life. How are we supposed to know what you are going through if you do not tell us!

I just wrote a piece about this very topic that will be coming out in my Glamour column.
Here is what I say. But you might need a bit of coaching from my to take a stand with him about it. Would like to set up a free consult. You can do that through my website.
Navigating Sexuality Post-Parenthood: 7 tips for finding your way

As a sex therapist and neuroscientist, I’m often called upon to help clients cope with the ups and downs (and ins and outs) of rebooting their sex lives after parenthood. Finding the way back to satisfying sex can be a big challenge. Given the unprecedented stressors presented by the pandemic, even just the possibility of sex may now seem daunting. Parents have to work– while juggling childcare–and assisting kids at home with remote learning. End result? A veritable shutdown of lust.
The good news?
It’s quite common for parents in general, and mothers in particular, to experience “sexual hibernation”– a period during which the erotic self lies dormant and sex becomes the last thing on their minds. Before you panic, this is temporary and can be skillfully navigated once we understand how our brains are wired by nature. Let’s start with a quick primer of how our 7-core emotional systems work.
The core emotions at the bottom of the brain
We, humans, come equipped with emotional hardware, or ancient “emotional instincts,” which are wired into the oldest parts of the brain we share with other mammals. These are designed to help us to defend ourselves– and also to mobilize us to seek the resources and connections we need for survival and thrival. As explained in my book, Why Good Sex Matters, these core emotions can hijack us even when at the ‘top of our minds’ we know better. The defenses (FEAR, RAGE, and PANIC) can get so activated that they hamper our ability to access our wired-in superpowers of CARE (powered by our internally manufactured opiates that promote a feeling of wellbeing through our relationships), PLAY (which is a major natural antidepressant) and LUST (urge to merge). Sexual issues, as well as anxiety and depression, can arise when the emotional brain is out of balance.
What does this have to do with sexual hibernation post parenthood?
When our built-in CARE systems, designed by nature to put our attention on our loved ones, are powerfully activated over time by parenthood, the levels of our “bonding” hormones, (oxytocin and prolactin) can ramp-up, which can result in lowered levels of our sex hormones- (estrogen and testosterone). As testosterone is responsible for the sex drive in both men and women prolonged periods of caretaking can dampen our libidos to the point that active sexual desire–or the subjective feeling of horniness– and LUST– goes limp.
Now what? Seven tips and tools for parents
#1 Practice radical acceptance of lower levels of lust (for now).

The long-term job of parenting will invariably impact our sex lives. In fact, after having kids, change becomes the new normal. And with change comes strain. But here’s good news: the practice of giving ourselves permission to be where and how we are is key to loosening and softening around our challenges. Allowing ourselves to be in a sexual funk can free up energy to become both curious and creative. Starting where you are without awfulizing it or being in resistance to what is can be empowering and liberating.

#2– Learn to appreciate that sexual desire comes in different forms. We can have active desire when we feel “horny” and have the urge to merge. (This type of desire tends to be more robust in men). But there’s also responsive desire, which lurks below the surface and can be jump-started by romantic wooing or physical stimulation. (This type of desire tends to be more prevalent over the long haul in women in long term relationships). There’s no doubt that the active form of sexual desire can get squashed by extended periods of caretaking. Understanding this and making good use of responsive desire can go a long way to salvaging the post-parenthood sex life.
#3 Don’t rule out the judicious use of mindful pornography. A recent study showed that when women watch porn with their husbands, sexual satisfaction increased. And we do know that sexual satisfaction is a big predictor of marital satisfaction. Finding a way to mutually stoke receptive desire into active desire by exploring porn together can be a fun way for parents to play.

#4 Communicate, communicate, communicate
In my experience one of the biggest obstacles couples experience is the shutdown of honest, deep, and probing communication about the more troubling, difficult, or scariest of subjects–such as when sex stops sizzling or disappears altogether. Couples that learn how to lean into the edges of these issues and stay connected can cultivate the capacity for lifelong sexual potential. One indispensable tool for communication is learning how to actively listen and go deep. To learn the technique that I prescribe in my practice click here.

#5 Prime the breath pump to activate your erotic energy
One of the best tools for priming our erotic energy comes from Yogic breathwork which incorporates “energy locks” that involve the pelvic floor. This breath tool both calms and energizes. This is the best-kept secret of Tantra and it isn’t hard to learn. In fact, I give directions in my book and have an instructional video on my website.

#6. Harness the healing power of pleasure (out of the bedroom)
Pleasure is not a luxury. It is a necessity for a well-balanced emotional brain. Cultivating a pleasure mindset by tuning into nature, seeking sunlight, finding hobbies, prioritizing play, and otherwise finding some fun is necessary for wellbeing. Doctors orders!

#7 Expand the notion of sex beyond friction, penetration, and orgasms

Think of expanding the notion of the erotic to include anything that feels good and is good for you. Let your definition of sex expand to anything you can do together that gives you some pleasure. For example, giving and receiving touch can be delicious, whether or not it ends in sexual activity or not. Think of sex as enlivening, the erotic as play, and whip out a Twister game. Even better, get a copy of The Joy of Sex and take turns reading out loud. See what attracts, astounds, or confounds you when it comes to the myriad of behaviors that we humans call sex. It is indeed a smorgasbord. Let your minds explore even if your bodies aren’t quite yet on board.